Signs the Apocalypse is Coming

Recently my mother and I have been discussing all the extremely shitty things that are happening in our world. Both of us have come to the conclusion that possibly, just MAYBE, the world really is going to end by 2012. (Which would be okay with me, since then I won't have to pay off my student loans.) I've compiled a list of signs that definitely point to The World's End - (not the tavern in Edinburgh, although that would be cool.) I take a lot of my stylistic hints from Cracked.com, if you can't tell.

Signs the Apocalypse is Coming

1) Crazy strong earthquakes

Obviously, there are earthquakes all the time. But within the past 6 years there have been some freaking monsters. (I STILL say that these are caused by giant fanged earthworms that burrow through the ground, but that in itself is a sign of the apocalypse, so . . . )

The tsunami in 2004 was caused by a magnitude 9.1 earthquake. NINE POINT ONE. That killed 227,898 people. That is more people than live in my entire city. Not to mention the 2005 earthquake in Pakistan that killed over 80,000, the 2008 Chinese earthquake that killed over 85,000, and of course who could forget the recent tremors in Haiti (over 222,000 fatalities) and Chile. There was even a 5.0 earthquake in Canada. Fucking CANADA.

We're all screwed.

2) Weather That Wants To Kill Us

Is it just me, or is the weather . . . stronger? I know we're supposedly going through climate change and that's all dandy, but all I know is that everything seems more intense lately. Winter storms are a dime a dozen, even though we in the northern Midwest had about a decade's worth of shitty brown Christmases. Tornadoes used to be a novelty, now I get bored when I see a tornado warning blaring across the screen (because DAMN IT, I'm trying to watch "The Secrets of the Bermuda Triangle"!) Scientists are predicting that the hurricane season will be worse this year. And oh yeah, even though we had a frigid, icy, colder-than-Naomi Campbell winter, the heat is intense this year. Which, of course, I wouldn't know, since I'm holed up in an office all summer.

3) Al Gore is Getting Divorced

Let's be real. We all know about Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth". The world is suffocating from greenhouse gases, and pretty soon it's going to be like The Day After Tomorrow and the entire northern hemisphere is going to be covered by a polar ice cap, forcing the evacuation of all Americans to Mexico (how's that for irony?) and finally making Dennis Quaid into a hero after he was unceremoniously dumped by Meg Ryan.

Hmmm . . . it's okay, Dennis.

But the most damning signal that the world is coming to an end is Al and Tipper Gore's pending divorce. Because honestly, the guy must know something we don't. He knows he only has roughly two years to hit all the insanely hot young tail we all know he can get before the whole freaking world ends. So long, Tipper, hello, Lindsay Lohan.

4) The BP Oil Spill

It's aliens. That HAS to be the only explanation why we can place a well under the ocean but can't seem to repair it once it exploded (by aliens). ALIENSALIENSALIENS

Also, we can put cameras down there? Which leads me to my next point . . .

5) BP Bought Technology From Kevin Costner

You read that correctly. Kevin Costner, the brilliant actor from such classics as The Untouchables, Field of Dreams, and The Postman (that last one was a joke) has apparently sold 32 of his oil-sucking-up inventions to BP. And now they are testing them to see if they will work. I don't know why they are bothering, everything the man touches turns to gold.

Or maybe water. Either way, it works, right?

Costner says, "I'm not on a white horse. I'm not the savior to this thing. But I'm kind of saying, like, I got a life preserver."

Like, OMGZ.

6) Guido Pandemic

One of the possible predictions for exactly how the world is going to end involves

A global pandemic with very high or even 100% mortality rate caused by a human-made infectious agent, which could be released among population on purpose. The source could be an individual, a laboratory workers group, a terrorist group, governmental or international organization.

-- Wykypaedia, Source Moste Excellente

This is already happening.

As a rampant consumer of anything related to pop culture, this is one of the few things I fail to see ANY sort of appeal in. Celeb Rehab, I get. People like to see C-list celebrities be bigger train wrecks than the majority of mainstream America. Sex and the City, I get. People want to see an NYC fashionista living beyond her means manufacture her own problems and then whine about them to her best galpals while sipping a cosmo in a trashy dress. Even American Idol, I get. People want to see a trailer park dropout who "only ever wanted to play music" achieve superstardom, come out of the closet, and descend into the depths of the drug world before ending up on Celeb Rehab.

But Jersey Shore? I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't want to see anyone putting a Snooki near anyone's Situation or watching humanity get wiped out by that new-fangled STD I constantly hear referred to as GTL.

7) Amanda Bynes is Retiring From Acting

This is the one thing on this list that has the most profound effect on my daily life. From her infant days as a sketch comedian on All That and The Amanda Show to her lovable turn as Holly on the critically acclaimed WB comedy What I Like About You, Amanda Bynes has changed the world - for the better. Who possibly could have portrayed a more quirkily off-key Penny Pingleton in Hairspray? Amongst a slew of talented singer/actors, she definitely stood out. And who could look less like a boy in She's The Man than Amanda?

I'm being serious here. At 24, she has a solid 15 years left to play a high-school outcast who undergoes a series of trials and tribulations before finally attaining the boy of her dreams.

She announced her retirement via the popular social networking site Twitter, tweeting "I don't love acting anymore so I've stopped doing it".

I DON'T LOVE PLUCKING MY EYEBROWS, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME STOP DOING IT! Come on, Amanda. Do it for me. Your movies are like crack to me. At least we'll always have What A Girl Wants.

Whoever told Colin Firth he should do an Amanda Bynes movie . . . THANK YOU!!!