Friday, August 27, 2010

One year ago

It's hard to believe that one year ago today (roughly, technically it would have been the 28th I think? but whatever) I was on a plane jumping over the pond to begin my study abroad journey at Harlaxton. In honor of this nostalgic date, I am going to share some of my favorite small, day-to-day anecdotes that may or may not have been mentioned on this blog in the past.




- Between lecture and seminar, Kelsey and I used to race back to the Carriage House to get the good showers and were usually successful. Dwill would come to my room to finish (re: begin) our seminar handout and I would answer the door in my towel/cover up thing, still basically dripping wet. The look on his face was priceless. "Uhh, is this a bad time?" "No no, come in! Umm, I finished the research, we just have to type it up . . . " we would have a 5 minute conversation and he would blush the entire time.

- If you ever had a pizza stolen out of the fridge at Harlaxton, it was probably me. I was always with someone else, but I don't think many people stole pizza besides me and my co-conspirators. I figured a year later is a fair enough amount of time in which people won't be too upset. Colin Todd, thanks for many a late-night meal.

- The last two weeks of Harlaxton were magical, staying in Grantham, staying out till the wee hours at Gravity, Vibe, and Barcode, and then watching The Chronicles of Narnia in the Pearson Room the next morning hungover as all hell.

- I always felt like a badass taking Refectory cups full of coffee with me to my couch outside the library. Small things. I have one at home with me now too.

- Leaving our bedroom door unlocked at all times was usually not rewarded with good luck. Kelley barging in yelling at us to go to brunch, Mary pounding on the door for me to let her in even though it was open, Andrea stumbling in wanting to talk about the Industrial Revolution, Chris coming in wanting me to say "goddamn" for him because he is a good Catholic. I loved every second of it, though.

- "Exploring" with Mary and J.R. on one of our last nights there. We ALMOST were able to go into the Refectory after hours and explore the rooms above, because we found that the door was UNLOCKED. But Zyggy was at the desk, so we were going to go back later when whoever was at the desk had left for a moment. Alas, that never happened. However, we did slide around the Long Gallery in socks, pretended to give BS lectures, found Dr. Phil's shoes outside of his room, and got locked in the Conservatory. Yes, we were locked in. We found out the hard way that after a certain hour, your fob let you out, but not in. It was pouring down rain and we were terrified that we were going to set off the alarm and force the entire school to evacuate. After about 15 minutes of sheer panic, we finally just pushed open a door and, thankfully, no alarm sounded. All that remained was to trek back to Carriage House through the construction site (read: mud) without an umbrella (which J.R. hurled into a wall and broke in a fit of rage outside the Music Room).

- I could NOT understand the concept of Harlaxton Clue. I hated that each faculty member only knew one fact. But I loved how we had so many things planned out -- magic tricks, dances, songs, jokes, we were prepared. We still lost, but only because we guessed wrong. There's no way anyone could have actually figured it out. I firmly believe that.

- Mary and I "studying" for BS tests. We would make up songs pertaining to historical dates and facts, then promptly forget them. We would read our handouts out loud to each other, and then it would end with us in bed yelling, "f*** this, I don't even care, I will never learn this and fail and be kicked out of England and end up destitute on the streets!" and then I still would get an A.

- Sitting on the steps of the Cedar Staircase, inquiring as to how British strippers get paid. "You don't have single bills, so you can't exactly stuff pound coins down a G-string . . . " It was discovered that 5 pound notes are the starting denomination. A lucrative career.

- Watching "Bagpuss" and "Noggin the Nog" with Anne, Mary, J.R., Sara, and Drew, and being immensely creeped out, especially by Nogbad the Bad, because of Anne's eerily accurate voice.

- H.Snow on the bus to our Stratford field trip: "Kyle Dyke . . . I mean Dick . . . sorry about that."
Anne: "Which one is better?"

- Getting a pizza cab back to the Manor. This is a common trick among Harlaxton students. You walk drunkenly to the pizza place, order a pizza to be delivered to the Manor, then go with them in their car when they deliver it. They only charge about 1 pound or so.

- Waner and I stumbling into reception and checking his mailbox, only to find his corrected term paper draft, "A Shadowy Glimpse at the Life of Owen Glendower." On the front cover was written : "Rather odd title."
I do not need to tell you how hard we laughed. We ended up sitting on the floor underneath the mailboxes and almost crying.

- Whenever I wore the purple tights, my night was magical.

- One night, I was talking to Heather in the Schroeder Lounge after she got back from wine and steak night at the Greg. I suddenly remembered that I had a piece of pizza in my pocket and pulled it out. She thought that was one of the funniest and weirdest things ever.

- Speaking of which, the Schroeder Lounge couches are probably the only ones in the entire place that aren't contaminated with bodily fluids. Think about it.

- One of the strangest things that happened to me there was late one night when I was walking back from the Manor after working on a paper, Bob the Swan walked next to me the entire way home. My escort, if you will. Such a gallant gentleman.

- Aaron to Anne: "We're going to make out right now. It's okay. We're just going to make out."

- Sliding down the banister of the Cedar Staircase was fun but extremely challenging, at least if you're me. My stubby legs could not manage to reach the ground once I hit bottom, and extracting myself from the cedar was difficult. We have it on video.

- Trying to explore another night, J.R. pushed open a random door in the faculty corridor and there were people in it. I'm pretty sure I yelled, and then we took off running as fast as we could down the hallway. I'm not graceful when I run so I'm sure I sounded like a train.

- Ed Packard told me that my swearing habit was "filthy".

- Bujak looked at my study guide for my history class and said "Well, this is a bitch."

- The first time J.R. and I discovered the "Story of the Weeping Camel" and asked DG about it was a moment equal parts reality, drama, and magic.

- I had to hold a cheesecake in front my chest to prevent a certain creep from staring at my bosoms the entire Valedictory dinner.

- Someone asked me, "So who is going to be the Valedictorian?" and I patiently explained that there probably wouldn't be one, since if 20 people got all A's there would be 20 Valedictorians, and that probably wasn't the point of the Valedictory dinner.

- I got very excited when the winner of the essay competition wrote an essay on Emmeline Pankhurst because I thought it was Anne, but then a boiling pit of lava rage emerged in my stomach when it wasn't her. My essay was bitchin' and should have won, but I'm not bitter at all.

- I love that the first time I met Ben, he proposed to me.

- I loved planning mine and J.R.'s "marriage of convenience" life together. We would be swingers who had a bedroom in which we could cuddle and watch Bagpuss and then separate bedrooms for our escapades, all with the comforts of joint checking and life insurance benefits. And matching bathrobes.



Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Precocious Writings of a Young Janelle

Recently I cleaned and purged my entire bedroom and discovered that my mother had hoarded all of my old school work on the very top shelf of my closet. (Being 5'2" and not particularly motivated, I had never really had any desire to look at what was up there. BIG MISTAKE.)

After being covered in dust and broken dreams, I set to going through all of it and figuring out what I should save and what I should throw away. Best decision I ever made.

The following are excerpts from various journals, books (I was a self-publishing magnate, complete with illustrations and staples as book bindings) and hand-drawn cards dating from 1991-1993, roughly from pre-school to first grade.

THESE ARE ALL REAL WORDS WRITTEN BY ME.


Undated, estimated kindergarten, book

The Book About My Life

pg. 1: My life is terrible I hate my life
pg. 2: don't you hate when people throw stuff at you
pg. 3: and my little brother always rips the pages out of my books
pg. 4: and my mom always blames stuff on me!
pg. 5: and I hate when my dad had surjary
pg. 6: so that's the story. and don't forget I hate my life!!!

[*Editor's note: I don't have a brother. I tend to make shit up. You'll see.]

------

first grade journal. non-bold are comments from teacher.

Ia
I Like School.
What do you like about school, Janelle?

I Like Resase
What I lik Best About Resase is! I like To Play With Nadia.
That's great! What did you do this weekend?

I Went To My Cottage.
Oh wow! Where is your cottage? What did you do there?

My Cottage is in Edinvill. it is on a Lake So I Went Swimigg. My Cottage has 12 BedRooms.
[*Editor's note: this is true.]
Wow!! What do you do there?

I Ride Some Horses at My Cottage. Ther Names are: Trixy & IsaBell.
[*Editor's note: this is not true.]
Do Trixy and Isabell belong to you or do you just get to ride them when you visit? Who takes care of them?

I Just Ride Them When I Visit. The Ourwer takes Care of Them.

My Sister Nicole, always agervaits me.
How old is Nicole? What does she do to aggravate you?

Nicole is 4 yeares old. She Sings In Bed.
What are you going to do about this problem? How can you solve it?

I Could move her in to the Guesete Room.
[*Editor's note: we do not have a guest room, nor have we EVER shared a bedroom. Just making more shit up.]
That's a great idea! How would your mom react to this?

She Would'dind Mind.
Maybe you should discuss this with your mother, Janelle. Maybe she will move Nicole into the guest room and you can have a room of your own!

I Hope so.

Nadia And I Are going to a Bronie Soc-Hop.
What is a Sock Hop, Janelle?
[*Editor's note: Teacher had written "Cock Hop" and cleverly changed the C to an S. Not joking.]

It is for Our Bronie Troop. it is a place Where you dance in your hollowen costume.
When I go trick-or-treating, I am going to say something else. Smell my Feet.
Wouldn't you be surprised if people smelled your feet?

Almoste evryone Smelld my Feet. it was cool.
Really? I'm shocked! How did your feet smell?

They smelld like Flowers.

My favorit kind of rock is from Lake Saperer. My Granpa went ther to go fishing I have a rock colekchin of them I likke them and I realy realy like them, alot.
What is your favorite kind of rock in your collection?

My favorit rock is a realy prity one. it is a wite one. It is a sparcily one.

Nicole gets undressed and starts to resul with my dad.
[*Editor's note: WHAT THE FUCK? My mom and I died laughing at this one. We have come to the conclusion that this was during Nikki's "naked phase" where she had an issue with clothing. Remember, she was 4. And my dad never really "resuled" with us, it was more like Nikki would want to play and climb all over him and hit and punch him and he would toss her away. So our conclusion is that Nikki did not get undressed to "resul" with him, she was already running around in her underwear and happened to start bothering my dad. I wonder why he wasn't investigated by Child Protective Services.]
Why does she get undressed to wrestle?

Because it is easyr to resul.
Doesn't she get cold?

No she gets hot. My parints are home from Las Veges. They brout us a minni-mouse T-shirt, rocks from the Hoover Dam, Planet HollyWood T-shirts and Big cups. My mom and dad drank out of those cups. my dad held his pee for an hour. After the show, my dad said "meet you at the bath room." When they got home I was sleeping on the floor.
[*Editor's note: The picture I drew is of me sleeping on the floor and, since my favorite TV show was "Cops", on the television I drew a picture of a cop shooting someone dead. I really don't know why my family wasn't reported.]
You must be glad your parents are home and everything is back to normal!

Yes I am glad but I forgot my list at my Aunt's house.
Do you really need your list?
[*Editor's note: the "list" I drew reads: "eat brekfist, get dreesed, brush teeth, go to school"]

I went to Power-Ragers live. We got cotten candy. Lord Zed was a big baloon at the end of the show it poped! Lord Zed turned Eiesha and Adem in to birds. They were recuede! The Power-Ragers names are Tommy, Rockey, Eiesha, Billy, Kimberly and Adem.

My uncle Ed died. He died of a hart atak. He said never to die on a weekend. He died on a Friday!
[*Editor's note: This is true. He ALWAYS said "never die on a weekend" because it messes up everyone's weekend with a funeral. I can't BELIEVE I wrote that in my journal.]

I erned 24 bages in my brownie troop. That is 1 more bage than Nadia. I think Kelly has 24, too, but I'm not sure.
[*Editor's note: Kudos to myself for learning at age 6 how to write a proper sentence!! And having one more badge than Nadia!]
What did you earn your badges for?

Oh, ther are lots of resons. Nature, Music, Shadows, Soc-Hop, Camp, and lots, lots more. I have lots of badges.
Neat! What did you do at camp?

We saw a hair ball.
What is a hair ball?

It is something that an animal throws up after it has eatin a smaller animal with hair like mice. A Naturlist shows the hair ball to us at the Nature Center. The bones of a mouse were in it.
[*Editor's note: I drew a horse throwing up.]

--------
another self-published book, kindergarten

Pomes

dedication page:
For Nadia G. Ouellette
&
Stephanie L. Demsich
---
The Fish Bowl
---
these are my fishes names: roly, poly, pell, mell, tumble, bumble.
[*Editor's note: those words are from the classic children's book "The Poky Little Puppy".]

three Arms
---
I have tree arms.
My friend has four arms we both live on Farms.

school
---
After school we
Played in a pool.
Now thats
cool.

My Log
---
my Log is shaped
like a dog. It is
a Hog.
[*Editor's note: this may or may not have been about my poop.]

The Free-sample Man
---
The Free sample
man loves samples
And he loves them
galore. So throw your
samples on the floor.
[*Editor's note: Plagiarized, probably from Shel Silverstein. Like I knew what the word "galore" meant.]

---------------------


another self-published book, pre-school, age 3. Probably my first novel.

The Big Hill
by Janelle
---
There wasan OLD MAN and. an OLD woman
---
WHO LIVED ona hill itis HARD to goup
---
it is EASYTO go down theend

------------------

self-published book, first grade

My SISTER!
by Janelle

My sister punches me when I laghf at her.
---
In Bed, she kickes the covers of me.
---
Yesterday, It was a family meber's birthday. It was my cosin's wife's birthday. She Imbareiissed me by pushing me into The Table.
---
On Cristmas, she was bad.
[*Editor's note: this drawing shows two stockings hanging on the fireplace that we don't have. Mine is stuffed with presents. Nikki's has coal. I wrote "Nicole" on the stocking and boxed the letters "C-O-L-E". You can tell we had a great relationship.]

------------------------------



If that isn't reason enough to understand why I am the way I am today, well, you are not smart.



Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Evansville, Hardesty Hill and Harlaxton Romance

Hello loyal or not-so-loyal-but-very-bored readers, and welcome back to another episode of The Dullest Show on Earth. I got a lot of hate mail about my last entry, especially about Jane Eyre and LOTR, so I guess I have a few (read: 5) readers. I guess people aren't as fiercely loyal to Walden or poetry.

Last Wednesday I decided that I was in dire need of a holiday. (Vacation, for those of you that don't know the British term. I like to use it so I feel better about myself while screaming Lindsey Buckingham's "Holiday Road" in the car). So I packed up Agent Michael Scarn: Threat Level Midnight and took off down to the popular resort town of Evansville, Indiana.


Not sure how I survived that drive. Oh wait, yes I do. gLee songs, Lady Gaga and Queen.

I arrived at the aptly named Fiasco and was promptly bombarded by J.R., Andy, and Chelsey. And a new friend, J.R.'s roommate Taylor. That night was a beautiful blur. I was the winner, staying up the latest out of all of them even after waking up at 7, working til 2 and driving 8 hours. That's just how baller I am. I slept in Ben Deutsch's bed (he wasn't there) and woke up to Courtney and J.R. running in at 11ish. We talked about stupid people at Harlaxton, Courtney left to go to work, and J.R. and I had "pillow talk" for about an hour. Then we fell asleep again. Until 3pm. Yep.

We woke up, got Andy, and went to dinner. While in the car I detailed my amazing flash of inspiration about writing a song about Harlaxton to the tune of "Bad Romance". They loved the idea, so when we got back, while the dishwasher was flooding and JR and I were trying to figure out how to unclog the sink, Andy learned the chords to "Bad Romance" and we made up lyrics. The result will be added when I get to a personal computer.

This was the night that J.R. and I stayed up very late, ingested copious amounts of alcohol, and convinced ourselves that we were the best people in the whole world and EVERYONE should want to be best friends with us. We also watched 5 episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and called Heather in England -- AND SHE ANSWERED.

The next day was yet another rough morning. J.R. got up at 9 to talk to his landlord about the flooding kitchen and nasty sinks, then went back to bed. I got up at 2, showered, went back to bed, woke up at 4, went and got J.R. and we realized that freaking Mary was going to be there in about 3 hours and we had shit to do. We got up and went to the mall, bought J.R.'s boytoy his birthday present, and I got a REPTAR FLASHDRIVE.

Let that sink in.

When Mary came it was pure bliss. I think I shed a tear. We immediately went to Los Bravos with Drew and Blair, and I did not throw up this time, so it was successful. And absolutely delicious. Then, after a few stops, we headed back to the Fiasco.

Of course we watched a bunch of YouTube videos because that is one of my favorite pasttimes. One in particular is so incredibly amazing . . .






I definitely cried while watching this, and now sing these lyrics instead of the real ones.

The night ended with Apples to Apples and Cramer being hilarious as usual. Suffice it to say it involved Taco Bell and a permanent marker.

The next morning, Mary and I were off to Hardesty Hill in Kentucky-- but not before we went to Drew's family reunion and ate barbecue. Barbecue what, you ask? Just barbecue. Yeah, I don't get it either. But it was delicious. And funny.

Mary and I departed for Hardesty Hill where we spent a delightful evening with Pam, watching Gilmore Girls, having Chris lay all over us on the couch and burp after every episode to remain manly, and randomly bursting into verses of either "Harlaxton Romance" or "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

And then the big kahuna. Kentucky Brunch. Delicious. All kinds of sausage, eggs, potatoes, fruit, biscuits, gravy, HEAVEN. I had to leave right after that, which was sad, but I had so much fun it was worth it.

On the drive home I guzzled three huge Diet Cokes and a large double-caff coffee so . . . I was wired.