What Do Wizard Teenagers Do?

Awhile ago, my soul mate Katie and I had a long, drawn out, (beer-induced) discussion about what the students at Hogwarts do in their spare time. This is, of course, when they are not working diligently on their wizard homework or playing Quidditch or boning in the Restricted Sex-ion. What do they do to relax? How do they get crazy? You can't tell me that sneaking out after curfew to go sit and watch Hagrid hatch dragons is the riskiest thing they do. We decided that these activities probably differ from house to house, so here is a detailed analysis of our discussion conclusions.

1) GRYFFINDOR

Intoxicant of choice: Beer and/or Jaeger bombs

Activities: swordfights with Godric Gryffindor sword replicas, Gryffindor Beer Drinking Olympics, the Harry Potter drinking game (anytime his name is mentioned you do a Jaeger bomb)

Why: Gryffindors are brave and courageous, and liquid courage only intensifies these traits. Gryffindors would be the ones to try to Bungee jump with Extendable Ears, use centaurs as mechanical bulls, and graffiti the castle with things like BALLS DEEP in ink that won't erase. They would play parkour on the moving staircases and let all the house-elves out to run races through the corridors, all while taking bets on who will pass out in the Great Hall and get peed on by Mrs. Norris. They would also be the ones to upload all the incriminating photos to Facebook because THEY DO WHAT THEY WANT and Dumbledore was a Gryffindor so that absolves them of all fault.


2) HUFFLEPUFF

Intoxicant of choice: Marijuana

Activities: getting the munchies and raiding the kitchens, since their common room is right near it. Spacing out and staring at the fire looking for famous faces to materialize. Listening to Celestina Warbeck on the wizard wireless.

Why: If it weren't for Cedric Diggory, we would say the Hufflepuffs are saints who do nothing but sit around and knit and smile at each other. But Diggs and his crew had to be badass in some way, so we figured they would go with weed to mellow out and forget all the happy Hufflepuffiness that surrounds them on a daily basis and makes them hate life.


3) RAVENCLAW

Intoxicant of choice: Wine and/or Adderall

Activities: sitting in big chairs with glasses of port having fake intellectual conversations (i.e. "Why does wine give you such a bad hangover?"), playing trivia-based drinking games, staying up all night doing homework, having boisterous debates such as "Grindelwald vs. Voldemort: Who Was More Clever?" which devolve into fistfights

Why: Everyone knows Ravenclaws are ridiculously smart, clever, witty, intelligent people. So naturally, wine is the drink of choice. But they are still teenagers, so they binge drink with it. Their drinking games have to be high-brow, so they base them on logic. The debates get pretty intense, which is why they have learned to be excellent boxers. And when exams approach, everyone at Hogwarts knows to get in good with the prefects of Ravenclaw, who control the castle's stock of behavioral meds. How else would an entire house have a reputation of being insanely intelligent? They study all day and party all night!


4) SLYTHERIN

Intoxicant of choice: Expensive vodka and/or cocaine

Activities: Pin the Dark Mark on the Mudblood, Voldemortic rituals, drawing penises on people who pass out, Take A Shot For Every Death Eater Relative You Can Prove (family trees/heraldic evidence required), Slytherin Fight Club

Why: Slytherin parties are the wizard equivalent of high-brow Manhattan raves. Techno blaring, a VIP lounge, cocaine gift bags. They can afford it because they are wizarding royalty. There's a dress code and house-elves bring you Grey Goose cocktails in Swarovski crystal glasses. When everyone gets really shitty, the Slytherin FIght Club emerges, where people bet on how much pure blood will be spilled on the dungeon floor.



Also, this actually happens, since once upon a time I was a wizard teenager, so this is a first-hand account.

Evansboro, or: The Reacharounds

While I definitely should be working on a presentation that I have later tonight, we all know that I work better under pressure. So before I lose the already-hazy memories of my spring break experience, I will put them down on paper (cyberspace?) for eons of future hooligans to experience along with me.

It started out with me doing nothing from Friday-Sunday. Seriously. I slept in, hung out with people, had a "break." It was splendid. Monday I worked, Tuesday I worked, then I packed for spring break. At 7am on Wednesday, Nikki and I took off for Owensboro, Kentucky. It was a long, monotonous drive, about 8 hours, but it was fine.

We arrived in Owensboro to a warm welcome from the one and only Mary Hardesty! She was jumping around in her driveway like a mad woman, it was enchanting. After many hugs and getting settled, we took off for a tour of Owensboro. This is really all you need to see.

Kid. On. A. Leash.

It's really not that white-trashy there but we pretty much screamed when we saw that and Mary yelled "WELCOME TO OWENSBORO!" We went to the Big Dipper and had "jims" (gems, which are tater tots) and a shake, and then took pictures outside Moonlite BBQ because Owensboro is the BBQ Capital of the WORLD. That night her uncle took us all out to dinner at Moonlite and it was delicious. Then Mary, Nikki and I camped in the living room and watched Gilmore Girls until bedtime.

Thursday. Oh dear. We slept in late, since Nikki and I were very very tired. We watched more Gilmore Girls and then went to Taco Bell AND Big Dipper for lunch because we are fatties. After we ate it was shower time, and we headed off to Evansville. The drive was fun because we jammed out to the Spice Girls. I swear, they are probably my favorite "band" of all time. I kind of forgot that I went as Posh Spice for Halloween my senior year. I picked the one that sings the least, natch.

So we get to the Tranny Mansion which is what everyone calls JR's house . . . and for good reason. Hot tranny mess, all of it. After the screaming and jumping up and down and hugs and reunions, we went out to Logan's to see JR's man friend Addison, and had a delicious dinner and, for me, the lone of-ager, two Newcastles. Then we headed back to the Tranny Mansion and had a crazy night of weeping camels, echo point, Snuggies, cigars . . . we watched The Story of the Weeping Camel but OF COURSE I barely remember any of it, besides certain images such as Dude peeing on the ground, the yurt that looked like a penthouse inside, the big strange box-like violins, and, of course, camels crying. CAMELS DO CRY, I saw it. I have to watch it again and send DG my in-depth analysis, since JR and I have been planning this night since Novemberish.

We stole Aaron's camel figurine off of his windowsill in honor of the night. Mary named it Chronic.

I passed out in JR's roommate's bed (whoops) and woke up to Nikki crawling in with me at 5am after JR left to go to work at the radio station. YES, he went to bed at 2am and woke up at 5 to go to work. He got back at about 9:30 and we all just recounted the night and slept until noon, until our stomachs began to crave food. I was fine until we got to Los Bravos, ordered food, and I saw it in front of me . . . so I booked it for the bathroom, blew chunks, then came back and ate. Glorious. They called me a champ for the rest of the day. Mary, Aaron and Megan went to the mall, and JR, Nikki and I went back to Tranny Mansion and took a nap. When they all got back I went with Aaron on an adventure to the liquor store, McDonalds, his place, Wesselman's (sp), and CVS while Nikki, JR and Mary napped (again). By this time JR's roommate was back from the Virgin Islands, he was nice but his girlfriend seriously hated us. I felt like she was staring daggers at us the entire time. Whatever, get over it, you just spent a week in the Virgin Islands. So we eat, and set up Band Hero of course. I got 97% on Wannabe.

Then the night took a turn for the AMAZING when Anne Joy showed up. I literally cried when I saw her. Screamed, danced, hugged, whatever. It was indescribable. Anne proceeded to play Band Hero guitar for about 2 hours while Mary sang. Anne proclaimed herself the Stephen Hawking of Band Hero and our band name was The Reacharounds.

Then Anne's roommate called and said they were playing games at her house, so we decided to walk over there. Best visual of the night: JR walking down the middle of the street with a 24pk under his shirt, phone on ear and cigarette in hand. Mary claimed he was on an important business call. Anne's house was fun, we played flippy cup and Memphis roulette. Mary regaled us with her theory that if you like pepperoni pizza, you are a homosexual. She was very upset when we informed her that this is not true. Nikki said, "I like pepperoni pizza," to which Mary replied, "Well . . . then . . ." with a shrugging gesture.

On the way home we sang Disney songs. The cops were called on us, but by the time they drove by we were back at Tranny Mansion and the only thing they saw was Mary and Drew on the porch in Snuggies.

JR, Nikki and I passed out on JR's floor after severely pissing off The Girlfriend, and in the morning she was still decidedly unhappy. As JR said, "Sorry that you were tired from being in the f***ing VIRGIN ISLANDS all week!" We packed up and went to McDonalds, where we heard someone call their son "Benjerman." Then Mary, Nikki and I headed back to the Boro, where we showered for the first time in two and half days and then had dinner with Pam. We watched more Gilmore Girls and then my dear fellow Chris came over!! So I got to hang out with more of my Harlaxton loves. We stayed up til 3am, then Nikki and I woke up at 7am and tearfully left the Boro for our long, sad ride home.