The Sleeved Blanket

I am a proud member of the Snuggie Cult. I am not ashamed to admit that I love wrapping myself up in my fleece leopard-print sleeved blanket and having the free use of my arms to change the TV station, play on the computer, or eat massive amounts of Better Made Barbecue chips.

I don't understand why people are so against these wonderful warm envelopes of love. One of the major arguments is that "it's just like a backwards robe!" Excuse you, but my robe does not cover my entire body and tuck around every inch of me, concealing me in a warm pocket of comfort. My robe is shorter than my body so my feet stick out and this hinders the mobility that the Snuggie provides.



It is also particularly excellent for smoking hookah, something I realize that not everyone condones. However, it is quite nice, in the winter, to sit in my bedroom with the window open and Katie next to me, in her zebra-print Snuggie, ably passing the hose to and fro without fear of clumsily knocking over the apparatus and burning a hole in my crappy brown carpet. Out of respect for my home, I employ the Snuggie to keep my window open and dissipate the smoke -- my house does not smell like "The Dope Den", which is what my mother calls my bedroom (there is no marijuana involved, only tobacco, Mother Dearest just thinks she's being clever.)

And the commercials. THE COMMERCIALS! Pure marketing genius.



Seriously, GOD BLESS SNUGGIE SEASON. I'm so glad you're back.

What Do Wizard Teenagers Do?

Awhile ago, my soul mate Katie and I had a long, drawn out, (beer-induced) discussion about what the students at Hogwarts do in their spare time. This is, of course, when they are not working diligently on their wizard homework or playing Quidditch or boning in the Restricted Sex-ion. What do they do to relax? How do they get crazy? You can't tell me that sneaking out after curfew to go sit and watch Hagrid hatch dragons is the riskiest thing they do. We decided that these activities probably differ from house to house, so here is a detailed analysis of our discussion conclusions.

1) GRYFFINDOR

Intoxicant of choice: Beer and/or Jaeger bombs

Activities: swordfights with Godric Gryffindor sword replicas, Gryffindor Beer Drinking Olympics, the Harry Potter drinking game (anytime his name is mentioned you do a Jaeger bomb)

Why: Gryffindors are brave and courageous, and liquid courage only intensifies these traits. Gryffindors would be the ones to try to Bungee jump with Extendable Ears, use centaurs as mechanical bulls, and graffiti the castle with things like BALLS DEEP in ink that won't erase. They would play parkour on the moving staircases and let all the house-elves out to run races through the corridors, all while taking bets on who will pass out in the Great Hall and get peed on by Mrs. Norris. They would also be the ones to upload all the incriminating photos to Facebook because THEY DO WHAT THEY WANT and Dumbledore was a Gryffindor so that absolves them of all fault.


2) HUFFLEPUFF

Intoxicant of choice: Marijuana

Activities: getting the munchies and raiding the kitchens, since their common room is right near it. Spacing out and staring at the fire looking for famous faces to materialize. Listening to Celestina Warbeck on the wizard wireless.

Why: If it weren't for Cedric Diggory, we would say the Hufflepuffs are saints who do nothing but sit around and knit and smile at each other. But Diggs and his crew had to be badass in some way, so we figured they would go with weed to mellow out and forget all the happy Hufflepuffiness that surrounds them on a daily basis and makes them hate life.


3) RAVENCLAW

Intoxicant of choice: Wine and/or Adderall

Activities: sitting in big chairs with glasses of port having fake intellectual conversations (i.e. "Why does wine give you such a bad hangover?"), playing trivia-based drinking games, staying up all night doing homework, having boisterous debates such as "Grindelwald vs. Voldemort: Who Was More Clever?" which devolve into fistfights

Why: Everyone knows Ravenclaws are ridiculously smart, clever, witty, intelligent people. So naturally, wine is the drink of choice. But they are still teenagers, so they binge drink with it. Their drinking games have to be high-brow, so they base them on logic. The debates get pretty intense, which is why they have learned to be excellent boxers. And when exams approach, everyone at Hogwarts knows to get in good with the prefects of Ravenclaw, who control the castle's stock of behavioral meds. How else would an entire house have a reputation of being insanely intelligent? They study all day and party all night!


4) SLYTHERIN

Intoxicant of choice: Expensive vodka and/or cocaine

Activities: Pin the Dark Mark on the Mudblood, Voldemortic rituals, drawing penises on people who pass out, Take A Shot For Every Death Eater Relative You Can Prove (family trees/heraldic evidence required), Slytherin Fight Club

Why: Slytherin parties are the wizard equivalent of high-brow Manhattan raves. Techno blaring, a VIP lounge, cocaine gift bags. They can afford it because they are wizarding royalty. There's a dress code and house-elves bring you Grey Goose cocktails in Swarovski crystal glasses. When everyone gets really shitty, the Slytherin FIght Club emerges, where people bet on how much pure blood will be spilled on the dungeon floor.



Also, this actually happens, since once upon a time I was a wizard teenager, so this is a first-hand account.

In Memoriam

Today, Hollywood lost a legend. Tom Bosley, a childhood hero of mine, passed away today at the ripe old age of 83.

To me, the name "Tom Bosley" will always mean two things: Mr. Cunningham and David the Gnome. I know that I have posted numerous things about David the Gnome, but I don't think anyone understands what a fantastic show that is. Damnit, I want to ride a fox named (not Taylor) Swift around the forest and preach about being kind to our earth. But alas, I am not a forest gnome voiced by Tom Bosley and I do not have my life narrated by Christopher Plummer.

Enjoy, friends. Rest in peace, Mr. Bosley, you are missed.

Abomination Island

All of us, at one point or another, have thought, "If I could send that person away to live on a desert island in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no chance of being rescued, I WOULD DO IT." That island, though you may not know it, is called Abomination Island.

I am generally an angry person, in the superficial sense (not the "I'm-going-to-build-a-pipe-bomb-and-blow-up-a-Wal-Mart-while-wearing-a-trenchcoat" kind of angry, just the "I-can't-stand-how-stupid-people-are" kind of angry). So for this reason, my Abomination Island is not only overpopulated, but a sort of cycle. Some people are permanent residents, others have a rent-to-own contract that could be broken with proper redemption.

So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Permanent Residents of Abomination Island.

(**disclaimer: I'm leaving off obvious permanent residents like Hitler, Stalin, Jack the Ripper, Paris Hilton, etc.)

5) Kwame Kilpatrick/everyone who re-elected him

The city of Detroit is composed of a bunch of stupidheads. I can forgive electing a young, charismatic mayor the first time around. During his first term as mayor, there were rumors of wild parties at the Manoogian Mansion, a stripper (Tamara Greene) who had attended the party was murdered, Kwame fired the police chief who was supposed to investigate alleged party at the mansion, a Lieutenant sued the city and Kwame because he was transferred out of his homicide unit after he began investigating the Tamara Greene case, and on top of all of that, during his re-election campaign, the Free Press reported that Kwame had spent $210,000 of the city's money on travel, food, and entertainment. All of this in a city with the worst public schools in the nation and a big ol' barrel of POOR.
You know what? Aww, they made a mistake. They thought Kwame would bring a sense of hope and optimism to the crumbling city. When he failed to, you know, make any progress aside from renovating Downtown, one would think that the city voters would say "PEACE OUT YO" and oust him, electing Bono or Angelina Jolie.

Uh, who do you think won the 2005 election?

Long story short, he had a sext-messaging scandal, made lots of shady deals, stole money, basically sat around being super corrupt and only after he was thrown in prison did the people of Detroit actually see that they elected a fucking CRIMINAL.

4) Steven Seagal
This guy gives me the creeps. First of all, he just looks like a psycho who drives around a white van and kidnaps women like that freak from Silence of the Lambs.

Leather jacket, anyone?

But I'm (reasonably) sure he's not a woman-skinner, so we'll just ignore that and focus on the thing he is known for. Acting.

If you can call it acting. Every single movie is THE SAME. Just like Tom Cruise can only play different variations of Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal can only play Steven Seagal. His IMDB Biography makes me want to eat a pickled egg and throw it up all over my new moccasins.

"Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. film Above the Law (1988)."

SIIIIICK. Also, shall we play the "Steven Seagal movie title game"? All you do is put "Steven Seagal is" before the titles of his movies. Here goes:

Steven Seagal is . . . ABOVE THE LAW.

Steven Seagal is . . . HARD TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . MARKED FOR DEATH.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR JUSTICE.

Steven Seagal is . . . UNDER SIEGE.

Steven Seagal is . . . ON DEADLY GROUND.

(He went through a period of enlightenment where someone decided to get a little more creative, but then he went back to -- )

Steven Seagal is . . . HALF PAST DEAD.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR A KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT OF REACH.

Steven Seagal is . . . PISTOL WHIPPED.

Steven Seagal is . . . DRIVEN TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . A DANGEROUS MAN.

Steven Seagal is . . . BORN TO RAISE HELL.

I will be eternally ashamed that he hails from Lansing, MI. More reason to hate Lansing.

3) Simon Cowell

One reason and one reason only: he always has hard nipples. GUYS NEED TO WEAR UNDERSHIRTS.


2) Heidi Montag-Pratt

I would highlight Spencer as well, but I look like a giant man-hater right now, so I will limit it to his beastly Barbie wife. I think that in order to get the full effect of Her Hideousness, we will post some Heidi quotes, or, as I like to call them, stupid.


On Children:"I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa."

On starting rumors about Lauren Conrad:"God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

On religion:"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

On long shots:"I plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious."

On her boob job:"I think I was just thrilled. I think honestly, it was like Extreme Makeover."

SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT THERE WERE CRITERIA YOU HAD TO MEET IN ORDER TO BE FAMOUS. Like, having talent. Or being good-looking. Or murdering someone famous.

1) Kanye West

ANYONE who has the balls to deem THEMSELVES "the voice of a generation" is permanently #1 on my Abomination Island. His music is okay. I would not say he's a genius. He would, though. And what he did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

"Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIME!! Of ALL TIME!"

EWWWWWWW!

Admittedly, I am not the biggest Swift fan, since I feel like most of her music is her whining about how the guys she likes doesn't like her, and since she's not a cheerleader and wears T shirts and sneakers they should like her more because she "gets them", but HOLY RUDENESS. I do know all the words to "Golddigger" because of Glee, but I turn off the radio when he comes on. And my co-workers thought it was hilarious to put a picture of him up in my cube with sticky notes all over it saying JANELLE LOVES KANYE. That's how intense my hatred of him is.

KANYE, I AM THE VOICE OF THIS GENERATION, AND WE HATE YOU.