My Graduate School Application Essay

Hi important people at college,

Basically, I am a badass. And this means one thing: you should let me into your school to study whatever the hell I want.

Elementary School

I was SUPER COOL in elementary school. I was so smart that I got 100% on every spelling test in five years, except for the one time I misspelled an extra credit word. Incidentally, the word was "Bellview", the name of my school, which I passed on a sign every day for six years. I was popular by association, since I was kind of a bitch, but my best friend was the most popular and well-liked girl in school. I went through a phase where I wouldn't wear jeans, and then there was the infamous Lee Pipes stage.

Middle School

Not so much bad-assery here. Skinny, awkward, unibrow-toting freakishly smart girl. The popular girls with really shitty houses but really awesome clothes used me for my homework skills, and they basically stomped all over me and my innocent generosity. My favorite story: at my 13th birthday party, I walked outside and one of these trolls was making out with my "boyfriend". I dominated them in rec-league fastpitch softball, though, since they all smoked cigarettes. For all the extremely crappy experiences there, though, I was the ultimate winner, as we shall see when I get to high school.

High School

I waxed the unibrow, hit the books, joined the band and rocked the varsity softball team. Vice President of the National Honor Society? check. Captain of varsity softball? huzzah. Marching band section leader of the alto saxophones? Fo sho. Oh, and did I mention I was on Homecoming Court and graduated #1 in my class with a 4.22 grade point? Suck it, middle school bitches, you're all mothers now, and I'm partying. Well, I guess you are still partying, but I'm not responsible for another human life, and therefore my partying is socially acceptable.

College

I didn't quite own college as much as I owned high school. I did get a full scholarship, though, which was the bomb. I was an engineering major for awhile before I said, "boooor-ing", and switched to majoring in TV, which is infinitely more fun, and also probably the easiest major at my school. I joined a sorority where I do a ton of community service and philanthropy work, became an RA, got a job on campus, studied abroad in England, traveled Europe, and had the time of my life, all while complaining when I really had nothing to complain about.

Also, my family is awesome. I have fantastic friends. I love pretending to be bitter and cynical, because it's a better outlet for humor. I like to write, and make funny movies, and be on the internet.

So, graduate school admissions people, pick me. Choose me. Love me. If you give me the chance, I can rule the school and possibly the world. I just need a Pinky to my Brain, so do you think you could start taking applications for my assistant? Thanks so much.

Good night, and good luck.

MUCH LOVEZ <3>

Janelle

Love Letter to Youtube

Dear YouTube,

I know I haven't been the best at proclaiming my feelings for you. I think that you are one relationship I take for granted on a daily basis. You are the one friend that is always there for me wherever I am. At my beck and call.

If I'm feeling lonely, I can watch Kittens Inspired by Kittens and feel better. I don't have to wait for you to respond to my call, text, email or Facebook post. Now that I'm a big kid and have internet on my phone, I can literally go to you whenever I want.

If I'm feeling nerdy, I can watch Leeroy Jenkins and feel like my life isn't as dorky as theirs. I can laugh at how mad they all get when Leeroy just goes charging unto the breach, stoned and brave, and giggle when they say "Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell."

If I'm feeling silly, I can watch the Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video and laugh till I cry. I actually have laughed that hard at this video, especially when I'm watching it with other people. It's gotten to the point where when this song comes on my iPod, I sing these lyrics instead of the real ones.

If I'm feeling nostalgic, I can watch Dramatic Reading of a Breakup Letter and think about the seventy thousand times we watched that at Harlaxton. It was quoted on a daily basis, a fact we exploited because we had a friend named Chris. In the same vein, if I ever feel like I want to relive some entertaining yet unsettling moments, I just watch the Ripple Effect, Ripple Nation or Ripple Nation UK.

If I'm feeling bored, I can watch any random old TV show via your services. David the Gnome! The Littl' Bits! Are You Afraid of the Dark! You have allowed me to re-explore my childhood in ways I'd never thought possible. For that, I am eternally grateful.

If I'm feeling energetic, I can watch Dancing at the Movies and dance in my chair. "Footloose" is one of those songs that I can't resist dancing to whenever I hear it. I think that if someone started playing it while I was asleep, I would unconsciously start snapping or tapping my foot.

So thank you, YouTube. I love the shit out of you. I apologize for all the wonderful videos I failed to mention here, but know that I couldn't possibly link to all the beautiful amazingness that you can provide.

All my love,

Janelle

If I Were Queen

Everyone who knows me knows this: I’m strangely fascinated by royalty. Not really the modern sense, like QE2 and Prince William and all that hullabaloo. No, I’m talking the stone castle, towers and turrets, chowing down on turkey legs royalty. I mean I don’t want to give up modern hygiene (OBVIOUSLY, I would have a nervous breakdown within days) but I would like to live in a castle with modern amenities and still wear the long awesome dresses and have ladies-in-waiting. Oh, by the way, I would be a queen.

My queendom would be badass.

Constitution of My Queendom

First order: The royal dress would consist of Snuggies. Everyone would be required to wear Snuggies in order to more effectively drink beer and smoke hookah while keeping warm and cozy in my drafty stone castle.

Second order: Everyone would be required to watch and love Gilmore Girls, The Office, How I Met Your Mother and, of course, Glee.

Third order: My only required royal duty would be to be on Jeopardy! every night. Even if I lose, I’ll still get to dazzle my queendom with my wits.

Fourth order: Katie Hanevold would run my torture chamber and administer punishments. This could consist of anything from having to listen to the “Small World” song on repeat for 24 hours straight, to having to eat Harlaxton Sunday brunch for every meal for a month straight, to having to learn all the High School Musical dances and perform a show for me.

Fifth order: Everyone in my queendom would be required to watch “The Story of the Weeping Camel” with me, Joel Fralick Jr., Mary Evelyn Hardesty, and Drew Elliot once a week.

Sixth order: We would have a yearly remembrance service for the Princes in the Tower. And all hookahs must be named after a former royal, extra points if they were either martyred or decrepit.

Seventh order: I am to be known as Elizabeth 3.0, but you could call me Good Queen Bess or something. Janelle is not a very royal-sounding name, Elizabeth is my confirmation name and it calls to mind an era of royal dominance and good plays, and the 3.0 signifies how progressive I am at integrating the royals into modern society, even though I’ll still live in a stone castle and wear long dresses.

Eighth order: After I die, a new queen would not be necessary since my specter will govern in my place. I plan on haunting people.

Ninth order: I can marry/divorce/execute anyone I want. I don’t want any of the trouble that plagued Henry VIII, so we’ll just put that out there right now.

Tenth order: All children must be named after literary figures, television/movie characters, or historical badasses. Dibs on Boudica.

Eleventh order: All children’s middle names must be Katie LeMire. Example of an appropriate child’s name in my kingdom: Laura Ingalls Wilder Katie LeMire [insert last name].

Twelfth order: Facebook creeping is completely acceptable and, in fact, encouraged. Classes will be offered, taught by Anne Joy and myself, with a special section on library database creeping taught by Kelsey Carlstedt.

Amendments

1) Royal Titles and Styles

Her Royal Usefulness, Absolutely Fantastic Epitome of Divine Beauty, Supreme Dictator of the Land . . . Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O'Hara.

Lord Kitten . . . Aaron Stoll

Minstrel WeeWee . . . Joel Fralick Jr.

Her Quirkiness, The Quintessence of a Quirky Queendom . . . Mary Evelyn Hardesty

This may or may not be amended at will by me, Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O’Hara.