Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Narnia Ho!

I wish I could go to Narnia.  I have no doubt in my mind that it is real, but I just wish that I could have gone there when I was a child.  Aslan probably knew that I had enough imagination, so I wouldn't learn much from Narnia.  But I would have been the best queen EVER.  I totally would have married Peter Pevensie because, come on, he is HOT.  Wayyy hotter than Caspian.  Plus he's a really good swordsman and he could duel for my love or something.  

But Mr. Tumnus is one of the best things about Narnia.  In the movie he's hot.  Okay, so he was played by James McAvoy, who I'm borderline obsessed with, so that could be a major bias.  But even as a faun, with goat legs and horns, he's hot.  He's by far the best part of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

I hope that they make Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  I heard they might not, because Disney doesn't want to make another Narnia movie.  F that.  Disney, this is the only the second time you have ever disappointed me (the first was High School Musical 2).  The only thing about Dawn Treader is that Peter isn't in it, because he and Susan can't go back to Narnia.  But I think this is the one where cousin Eustace comes with Edmund and Lucy, and Reepicheep is in it again!

Back to my Narnian life.  I wouldn't have a name like Janelle, that's not a very regal name.  I would be something like . . . Queen Anne the Majestic, Wife of High King Peter the Magnificent.  I pick Anne because my sister calls me Annie.  No, my middle name is not Anne, and I can't even begin to explain why she calls me Annie.  But Queen Janelle sounds fake and made up, and nothing in Narnia is fake or made up.  Aslan would just have to find a new name for me.  And they'd have to make me a throne at Cair Paravel.  Preferably between Peter and Edmund.

I Believe in Harvey Dent

I'm watching The Dark Knight, and I think everyone needs to see this movie.  However, one thing that bothered me was that people didn't see who Harvey Dent ends up being right off the bat.  Now, I don't know, I kind of assume that most people that see Batman movies know SOMETHING about Batman.  I myself am no Batman aficionado -- aside from the cartoons and the other Batman movies, I don't know much -- but come on!  You should know at least the basic villains, like The Riddler, The Joker, Two-Face, Catwoman, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze and The Penguin.  As SOON as I heard the name Harvey Dent, I knew who he was.  I got into an argument with a friend during the movie who swore that Harvey Dent was ROBIN.  COME ON!  ROBIN is DICK GRAYSON, duh!

I wonder which villains they will use in the next movie -- because there better be a next movie.  The Nolan Batman movies don't have supernatural elements, so I don't think it will be Rachel Dawes as Catwoman (using one of her nine lives, as some theorists claim).  I don't think they will bring back The Joker in the Nolan movies, because of Heath Ledger.  It's such an iconic role, there would be an uproar if someone tried to recreate it.  My money is on The Riddler.  If they did Penguin, I hope it wouldn't be a lame "genetic defect" like Danny DeVito in "Batman Forever".  I hope it will be sort of a corporate boss thing, like The Penguin's name is Mr. Penn Gwynn, and he has something that identifies him as penguin-like.  That whole genetic defect storyline was just a tad too far-fetched for me.

Mr. Freeze could work, perhaps, because Gotham City seems to have a ton of crazy technology, at least in Wayne Enterprises.  I'm sure Two-Face will be in it, duh, but they need someone else.

I care way too much about this.

Monday, January 26, 2009

How to Be a Gilmore Girl

This is one of my lifelong goals: to be a Gilmore Girl.  Now, each Gilmore Girl (Lorelai, Rory, and Emily) have aspects of their personality that are distinctly their own, so the options are to adapt your own personality to one of theirs, or just adopt the common threads into your own personality.  I would rather just be one of them, but it's harder than it looks.

So I will define their characteristics, then analyze which one I'm closest to.

Lorelai

1) Drink as much coffee as your stomach can hold.
2) Never learn to cook.
3) Wear shocking t-shirts that say "Porn Star" and "Bunny Ranch" and things of the like
4) Have a crazy complicated relationship with your parents.
5) Said parents are extremely wealthy
6) Have a baby at 16
7) Be obsessed with The Bangles, U2, David Bowie and Depeche Mode
8) Derive great pleasure from watching Sophia die in Godfather III
9) Also derive great pleasure from unapologetically mocking complete strangers
10) Have a secret crush on the diner owner . . . so secret that you don't even know it yourself.
11) Have a weird fear of commitment usually attributed to male "players"
12) Have an irrational fear of vegetables.

Rory

1) Drink slightly less coffee than your mother, but still an unhealthy amount.
2) Never learn to cook.  Later in life, learn how to chop vegetables for those that do cook.
3) Carry a book with you at all times.
4) Go to a private prep high school with a really cute uniform.
5) Have the most annoying first boyfriend ever, Dean, who looks like a deer.
6) Have the hottest second boyfriend ever, Jess, who is surly and extremely well-read.
7) Have a privileged snot for a third boyfriend, Logan, who messes up as often as he can be cute.
8) Go to an Ivy League School.
9) Drop out of an Ivy League school and move into your grandparents' pool house.
10) Go back to an Ivy League school after Jess yells at you. 
11) Lack any sort of athletic skill, including running, which makes you look like a duck.
12) Aspire to be a foreign correspondent like Christiane Amanpour.

Emily

1) Marry into one of the wealthiest and most powerful families in Connecticut. 
2) Have many quintessentially "control freak" characteristics
3) Wear the most expensive Hillary Clinton suits possible.
4) Always have a perfect coif.
5) Be completely incapable of keeping a maid more than a week.
6) Possess the uncanny ability of being able to nag and nitpick about anything.  And I mean anything.
7) According to Lorelai, she leads the "judgmental conga line".
8) Also according to Lorelai, she has many qualities in common with Joseph Stalin.
9) Active member of the D.A.R., Daughter of the American Revolution.
10) Biggest disappointment: her daughter Lorelai getting pregnant at 16 and never going to a debutante ball.
11) Huge fan of Christopher, Rory's father.
12) Still deeply hurt from when Lorelai left home at 17.

Analysis:

LORELAI:

I drink a lot of coffee, and I definitely don't cook.  However, I'm not a fan of tasteless T-shirts and I have a great relationship with my parents.  My parents aren't wealthy and I missed the time frame to have a baby at 16, so I'll just have to deal with that.  I have a healthy obsession with The Bangles, U2, David Bowie, and Depeche Mode.  Sophia dying in Godfather III is one of the best cinematic moments in history, so I'm with her on that one.  I am a proudly unapologetic mocker!  I don't have a diner owner to crush on, unfortunately, because Luke Danes just isn't real -- to my great disappointment.  I don't really have a fear of commitment and of course, I have a unhealthy fear of vegetables.

CONCLUSION:  Coffee, cooking, music/movies, mockery, and vegetables are where we are similar, but the overall personality isn't a good match.

RORY:

I probably drink less coffee than Lorelai, and I'm sure that I could learn how to chop vegetables, even if I won't eat them.  I do often carry a book with me, because I read probably too much, just like her.  I went to a grungy public school, though, with no uniform.  I've only had 1 serious boyfriend and he doesn't fit with either Dean, Jess or Logan.  I didn't go to an Ivy League school and didn't drop out of an Ivy League school and I didn't go back to an Ivy League school.  Though it would have been really cool if I went to an Ivy League school.  I'm not much of an athlete and I look really stupid when I run, and though I'm not aspiring to be Christiane Amanpour I would like to be in the TV business.

CONCLUSION:  Looks like she's my closest match so far.  Can you say BALLER!!!

EMILY:

I have little hope of every marrying into a wealthy and distinguished family, and I'm not really a control freak unless it comes to the remote control.  Not much of a suit person, and my hair is far from perfect.  I've never had a maid but I would probably be so overjoyed that I could afford one that I would never fire her even if she stole from me.  I'm not a good nagger or nitpicker because I always just give up.  I can be pretty judgmental so I guess I'm with her on that.  I don't think that Stalin and I would get on particularly well.  I'm not a member of the D.A.R.  (D.A.R.N.!).  I don't have a daughter to be disappointed about, but I would be mad if my daughter wasn't a debutante.  I HATE CHRISTOPHER.  Yuck!  And again, I don't have a daughter.

CONCLUSION:  Aside from the judgmental conga line, not much in common here.


And the winner is . . . 

RORY!

My trophy shall be a first-edition copy of Gogol's Dead Souls with a cup of coffee on top and a pair of saddle shoes.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Laundry Diving and various other childhood pasttimes

I noticed that one of my interests is Laundry Diving, and I realize that not everyone might know what that is.

It's the rather disgusting habit of letting the laundry pile up so long that it resembles a mountain, and then jumping in it while playing some music, like Lawrence Welk or Jackson Browne or some cheery Bob Dylan song (I realize there aren't many).  Now, the disgusting factor is lessened when it's only your own clothes and there's no underwear.  I have a separate hamper for "delicates" so that's not the issue.  But I own so many sweatshirts and sweatpants and fleece articles of clothing that it's actually very warm and comforting to just jump into a pile of dirty clothes.

I guess you could do it with clean clothes, but your body would probably just make them dirty.  So in a way, it's less gross if you just jump into your dirty clothes with your dirty body, because it's less work (you don't have to re-wash clean clothes).

It was also a lot easier when I was younger, like 6 or 7, because you needed less clothes for it to be a huge mound.  And the music was usually my mom's Dirty Dancing soundtrack cassette tape, or The Best of the 50s with Chubby Checker and The Dixie Cups. 

Speaking of things I used to do when I was younger, the best thing was when my mom would let us take all of the bedding besides the fitted sheet off of her bed, and my sister and I would just do somersaults and play charades and play this weird game called "Bunny/Wild" that I can't even begin to explain, it's so weird and pointless.  Or, my sister and my cousin Karli and I would pretend we were figure skaters in our basement, only we had rollerblades and let's face it, we could barely even stand on them.

We used to play Little Women, and I would make Nikki be Amy and fall through the ice, or I would make her be Beth and die.  Laurie was always invisible, sadly, but in my mind he was Christian Bale.  And we never mentioned Professor Bhaer because as my sister says, "he's an ugly hog".  We used to play Little House on the Prairie, too, complete with flannel pajamas, a well, and an iron to wrap in a towel and put at the foot of the bed to keep our feet warm.  I was always Laura, of course, and Nikki was Carrie.  Although sometimes, she would get ambitious, and be Mary and keep her eyes closed for the whole time, because Mary was blind.

We used to play Homeless.  No joke.  We had a big cardboard box my dad brought home from work, and that was our house, complete with newspaper blankets, and we would dress in all this random winter clothing, and we would walk around with signs and cups for donations, and sometimes we would use an old hatbox for donations and pretend we were playing guitar and singing.  We also would pretend to warm our hands in the trash can.  Only in Detroit would little girls play that game.

There were also the various movies and books, like Pippi Longstocking, Pocahontas, Peter Pan (reallllly hard because we can't fly), Babysitters' Club, The Boxcar Children, Oliver Twist (okay, so we didn't really 'play' that.  We would just take our cereal bowls to Dad and say, "Please, sir, may I have some more?").  We acted out Home Alone by sledding down our outside steps like Kevin did in the movie, only we only had 3 steps so it was kind of anti-climactic.  And there's a wall about five feet in front of the foot of our basement stairs, so that was ruled "too dangerous".

One of the best was Guts, that old game show on Nickelodeon.  We had these cardboard bricks and a bigwheel, and we would make an obstacle course in the basement and the final stretch was running the bigwheel through the bricks, just like they did on the show.  We would yell "Do-do-do Do you have it, GUTS?!"

We tried to act out the board game Clue, but my mom got mad when I used a piece of PVC as a lead pipe and clocked Nikki over the head with it.  My argument ("But she's Colonel Mustard and I'm Mrs. White and I HAVE TO kill her in the library!") was rendered invalid.

In our pool, we would play "Beanie Babies", which means that you just picked a Beanie Baby that was a marine animal and as we did a whirlpool, if someone started to get sucked into the vortex the others would yell, "Flash the dolphin!  I won't quit you!" and you dragged them out.  We played mermaids, and the foam noodles were our sea horses.  We even invented a game similar to Quidditch (this was before I became a Potterhead) in which the mermaids rode the sea horses and had to score points by shooting a volleyball into an inner tube.  We called it something like Herkimon or some gibberish word.

There was the Little Mermaid phase, where we would slosh all the water out of the bath tub and stick "dinglehoppers" (forks) into the couch cushions, much to the dismay of my parents, who sat on them on more than one occasion.  We did frequently get yelled at for brushing our hair with forks.

All in all, my childhood was fun and happy, if slightly bizarre due to my HYPERactive imagination. 


Monday, January 19, 2009

My Hero, Edith "The Body Beautiful" Bouvier Beale

Have you ever seen "Grey Gardens"?  If not, find it and watch it.  It is an experience you will never forget.  

Edith Ewing Bouvier Beale and Edith Bouvier Beale (Big Edie and Little Edie, respectively) were two crazy ladies who lived in a crumbling East Hampton mansion (Grey Gardens) with about 35 cats and each other.  Once, they were promising socialites -- Little Edie was known around her high-class social circle as "The Body Beautiful" and, let me tell you, she was gorgeous.  Little Edie was a first cousin of Jackie O and Lee Radziwill, so her family was basically American royalty. 

Big Edie showed her crazy side pretty early.  She separated her hubby when Little Edie was 14 but didn't receive alimony, just child support.  They didn't divorce for a number of years, though.  However, she was allowed to keep Grey Gardens, which at the time was renowned for its lovely garden.  She was an aspiring singer gave several recitals, and showed up at her son's wedding dressed as an opera singer.  After being thoroughly embarrassed by his daughter, Big Edie's father cut her out of his will.  Big Edie soon had a kind of breakdown, became very depressed and gained a lot of weight.  She adamantly refused to sell Grey Gardens, though.

Little Edie was just as, if not more, eccentric than her mother.  Noticed for her beauty from an early age, she was a clothes model and a debutante.  She was looking for a husband who was a Libra, which she claimed was the best match for her.  Eventually, with no luck either being famous or finding a Libra husband, she moved back to Grey Gardens with her mother, where they eventually lived in poverty and filth.

In the 70s the Maysle brothers were doing a documentary about East Hampton history when they found the two Beales, Little Edie still living under the domineering presence of her mother.  They decided to focus the documentary on the Beales instead, and it became a cult classic.

I'm TELLING you, you need to watch it.  It's fantastic.  To imagine that these ladies literally were the belles of society in the 20s and 30s, and then they lived in complete isolation and poverty, not to mention their 35 cats that pooped and peed everywhere.  They had raccoons in their attic, for Heaven's sake, and Little Edie FED them!  I guess that once Little Edie finally sold the house -- with a provision in the contract that the owners couldn't demolish it, they had to restore it -- they found thousands of dollars worth of valuable antiques along with truckloads of garbage.

Little Edie is amazing.  I wish I would have known her.  And she is my hero, because even though things in her life usually leaned toward awful, she still would put on tap shoes and dance in the foyer.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Queen Bees and Wannabes

I was a lucky girl.  My high school wasn't like Mean Girls; however, my middle school most definitely was.  I was a lot like Cady Heron in sixth grade.  My mom chose to have me go to the other middle school in our city, not the one that my elementary school fed into.  I had only one friend going in to the war zone that is middle school.  I wore Lee Pipes and took showers at night and thought makeup was only for dance recitals.

Ohh wow, I learned fast.  Soon I was begging my cash-strapped parents to buy me American Eagle sweatshirts and Adidas tennis shoes and tight flared jeans (which they didn't, I had to save my babysitting money).  I kept makeup in my locker and put it on before first hour and wiped it off before I left.  I started hiding my straight-A papers because B and L, the "coolest girls in school", considered it totally uncool to be smart.

And it was more than that.  I started doing the thing where you would IM someone and ask them about Person A, and they would say something nasty to me, trusting me, thinking I wouldn't say anything, when really Person A was over my house and watching over my shoulder.  I did the 3-way calling thing and managed to be really mean to a lot of people.  And all the while I would still hang out with Laura and watch Disney movies and I hid all my Little House on the Prairie stuff under my bed so when B and L came over they wouldn't see it and make fun of me.

12 year old girls are bitches.  I remember I saved my money for weeks until I could buy this blue-and-white American Eagle sweatshirt for $40.  A few weeks later the same sweatshirt was on the clearance rack for $12.  L looked at it at school and laughed.  "Oh, wow, you paid like 10 bucks for that , didn't you?"  I went home and cried.

Boys were a big deal, too, only there were a lot more cool girls than cool guys.  It got to the point where people would "date" marginally cool boys just to be in the "in" crowd.  I was really good friends with this one boy who was "dating" one of my good friends.  He broke up with her and confessed his "love" for me.  I was so flattered -- because he was probably the most popular boy in school, the best athlete, one of the cutest -- that I said I would go out with him even though it meant that my girl friend would get really mad at me.  I hurt her feelings tremendously and I can't even believe I would do something like that.

Oh, and at my birthday party, B "French kissed" another one of my "boyfriends".  And I was too much of a coward to say anything about it.  Because she had the power to make me an outcast.  

The best part of it all was that B was probably the least attractive girl in that group of people.  She was popular because her older sister was a skank and did a lot of drugs, and her parents let them do whatever they wanted in order to be "cool" parents.  I was awkward and skinny and had big front teeth, but I was smart and a good athlete and a good kid.

Toward the end of 8th grade I started hanging out with a girl I'll call Ellie.  She was a very popular girl because she was cute and funny, but I liked her because she was probably as poor as I was and yet everyone still liked her.  She was a great confidence booster.  She always told me not to worry about B and L, and in fact we made fun of them a lot behind their back, even though it was pretty much just stooping to their level.  The thing about Ellie is that she was honest with me.  If she thought I was being a coward, she would say it.  She stood by me one time when I told L that there was nothing wrong with my clothes and she was just jealous because I didn't have to study and still got straight A's.  Ellie helped me a lot just by being nice.

In high school I got new friends (Ellie moved, but we still talk on occasion).  Friends who were also smart and motivated.  Friends who liked to have fun no matter how dorky it might look to others.  Friends who liked me for who I was and not how expensive my sweatshirt was.

So I was lucky that I got all that horrendous coming-of-age shit out of the way at a young age.  It helped me, in a way.  I haven't felt horrible about myself since I was 13 -- which is a pretty good track record, I think.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Long Winter

There's a ton of snow, and it just won't stop.  It reminds me of the Laura Ingalls Wilder book, The Long Winter, in which the entire town was snowed in with no food from October to April.  Obviously we have food and cars and central heating and running water now, so it's not the same.  But imagine being in a town in the middle of the Dakota Prairie, blizzards every other day, below zero temperatures, no trains -- it must have SUCKED.  

I'm totally and completely fascinated by all that stuff.  You would not even believe how much I know about Laura and her whole family.  There was a good solid ten years when I was obsessed with it.  I have more than half of the seasons of the TV series, I have two complete sets of the books, I have a first-edition of Little House in the Big Woods, I have read countless biographies, you ask the question, I probably know the answer.  I've read These Happy Golden Years so many times that one of my copies is literally falling apart.

My junior year of high school I volunteered at my elementary school and we ate lunch in the library.  I remembered where the little house books were so I went over there and picked them up and looked at the little paper inside the covers and my name was on each book at least four times.  What a dork!  I was Laura Ingalls for Halloween in fifth grade, complete with a real sunbonnet.  I found that costume in a drawer the other day and decided that when I'm a stage parent I'm making my daughter wear it.

Anyway, sometimes I wish I lived back then.  Things were simple then.  You woke up and did chores and went to school and church and wore dresses and went on buggy rides.  I would have been a really good frontier girl.  Can't you just see me in pigtails and a dress and a sunbonnet, milking a cow or helping make hay or riding in a wagon?

Don't answer that question.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dwight vs. Andy

This monumentally important question was posed to me during last night's episode of "The Office".  Angela is engaged to Andy but sleeping with Dwight.  Both men have pros and cons to them, and ignoring the moral ambiguity of both Angela and Dwight, I've decided to make a list to decide whose side I'm on.

DWIGHT
Pros:

Can protect Angela in a fight with a bear
Is skilled with a bowstaff
Assistant to the dojo at his karate studio
Drives a Trans Am
Two sources of income:  Dunder Mifflin and Schrute Beet Farms

Cons:

Socially inept
Wears the same color shirt every day
Cousin Mose
Smells like beets


ANDY
Pros:

Went to Cornell . . . ever heard of it?
Trust fund baby
Sings in an a capella group "Here Comes Treble"
Drives a Nissan Xterra
Dresses fancy

Cons:
Cannot protect Angela from a bear attack
Socially inept
Sings in an a capella group "Here Comes Treble"
Anger issues


This is so hard (that's what she said).  Both have their strong points and their negative points.  I suppose I'm going to have to go with Andy because he's just so oblivious, it can be marginally cute sometimes -- while Dwight is just incapable of being cute.