Janelle and Rachel vs. Icepocalypse

Once upon a time, two girls decided to road trip to visit their dear, dear friends from study abroad in England. They embarked on an 8 hour drive to Evansville, IN.

Good times were had by all. This is not the point of this blog post. The point is to recount the epic struggle on the way home.

Both girls imbibed a little too much the night before their departure and were in considerably low spirits. Rachel snuggled up for a catnap in the back seat while Janelle bravely agreed to navigate Agent Michael Scarn: Threat Level Midnight (a 2004 Saturn Vue, NOT 4wheel drive) for the first leg of the drive.

A semi jack-knifed on I-71 on the way to Cincinnati. The girls were stuck in an hour-long traffic jam. Not a good omen. But the roads were good, it was a balmy 54 degrees, and the sun was shining, so they were in good spirits.

Meanwhile, ominous texts/calls/Facebook posts were coming in. "Be careful, huge snowstorm in MI." "Don't die, please." "Get a hotel if it's too bad." So Janelle and Rachel were very nervous driving through Ohio, even though the roads were nothing short of glorious.

"I felt like I was going to throw up the entire time, even though nothing was happening." -Janelle

Then came Toledo.

Rachel was at the helm of Agent Michael Scarn when the Icepocalypse hit. Sheets and sheets of death water were pouring down and instantly freezing on the windshield. Scarn's shitty wipers were no match for the wrath of Mother BITCH-ure. The girls contemplated getting off of I-75 and getting a hotel room, but were too scared to try the exit ramps, which were paved with inches-thick sheets of ice that Scarn's tires and 4-cylinder engine were no match for. Additionally, the semi-trucks thought that they could do whatever they wanted and hovered so close to Scarn that there were several times in which all three entities thought they were doomed.

So the ice kept on pelting down, until it was time to navigate the hell hole that is known to the general public as I-275. Once Scarn and Rachel hit the treacherous freeway, there was no way forward. Literally. This wasn't ice anymore, it was 7 inches of uncharted snow.

"I was terrified the entire time." - Rachel

Janelle advised Rachel to exit at Telegraph so they could find a hotel room. However, the only available hotels were janky motels that had "YOU WILL BE MURDERED HERE" written all over the signs. [actually, the signs said "Air Conditioning/VCRs", so, same thing.] After stopping at one of said motels and immediately deciding that they would rather die in an icy car wreck than chopped to pieces by a mentally unstable motel owner, Janelle took the wheel of Scarn and set off north on Telegraph through Flat Rock. Using the handy GPS, she navigated very nice, very empty plowed farm roads until she made it back to I-275.

Knowing that Scarn needed velocity more than anything to make it through the now-10-inches-deep layer of snow, she gunned it through the lanes to make it to the left lane, which had been plowed. The girls and Scarn drove verrrrrrrry slowly for about 20 miles north, until the treacherous exit at 8 Mile. Once again, Scarn triumphed, making it up the exit ramp and through Rachel's un-plowed subdivision, safely delivering Janelle's comrade to her humble abode.

But Janelle's journey had just begun. [WHAT?! Yes.]

Once again bravely assuming command of Scarn, the two of them tackled the ominous route of I-275 north to I-696, which was comparatively easy. And then, I-696 decided it was going to be a little bitch.

No lanes. Just dozens of random snow tracks. Minivans thought they were off-roading vehicles and sped past Scarn and Janelle, fish-tailing and spewing snow into the windshields of other vehicles. Scarn's poor windshield wipers were stretched to their breaking point and began to unravel. Up the looming mountain of the I-75 bridge and down to the Van Dyke exit, Janelle screamed all the Glee songs she could to keep her focus while Scarn's tires spun and spat. Finally, Scarn and Janelle emerged onto the service drive, where, thankfully, there were minimal cars and very minimal snow-plowing.

Janelle called her mom from the service drive and asked for some beer.

Thankfully, Janelle and Scarn emerged onto Janelle's street. Only one set of tracks navigated the icy tundra, and stopped at the corner. Scarn and Janelle were pioneers down the dead end, going 40 miles an hour in an attempt to avoid stuckage, but probably only moving about 15 miles per hour. In a last-ditch, valiant attempt, Janelle spun Scarn into the driveway of her house . . .

. . . only to get stuck. In the driveway. Of her own house.

Why Being Single Doesn't Have to Suck

**disclaimer: I am not single, and I am happy about this. However, there are a select few things that I do miss about my swinging single life (when I was 15).

**also this is not gender-specific. more mass appeal.

Top 5 Reasons Why the Single Life is Awesome

by Janelle

5) You don't have to shave your legs

- This is, hopefully, for women only. Honestly, I don't shave my legs every day. Not even every week, sometimes. I get made fun of a lot, but I don't care. Luckily, my boyfriend isn't a dick, so it's usually more him making a joke like "Aww when are you going to braid your leg hair?" rather than "you are f*cking disgusting," but I know some guys that think leg hair is a deal breaker. So, single ladies, be thankful that you don't have someone constantly judging the natural blanket of body-heat-trapping hair that God intended you to have.

4) You have more money

- Even if you are poor as hell, it's a proven scientific fact* that you have more money when you're single than if you're in a relationship. Guys, you want to go to Taco Bell? You don't have to call your girlfriend and ask her what she wants, only to have her "Uuuummmmm . . . " on the phone for 20 minutes before finally deciding on 1 soft taco. Nope, you can pocket that $0.89 or get yourself a soft taco. Do you want to go to the Red Wings game? "One ticket, please." "One beer, please." "Another one single beer please." "One singular hot dog, please." Doesn't that sound delightful? So, live up the single life while you can.

3) You don't have to "coordinate" . . . anything.

- If someone invites you out, do you have to call your significant other to see what he/she is doing before you commit? If you're going to a party, do you have to arrange a time to go so you can pick he/she up on the way? Do you have to wait until your significant other gets off of work before you can go hours late to your brother's birthday party?

NOT IF YOU'RE SINGLE.

You can go whenever the hell you are ready to go.

Awesome.

2) Holidays

- While, admittedly, it is nice to have someone to spend any holiday with, think about all the stress being single alleviates. No financial burden from trying to "match" whatever he/she bought for you. No pressure for those of us who are DIY-challenged to make something cutesy and full of love. You can feel free to sit on your couch in sweats with your dad watching "1000 Ways to Die" eating tator tots on Christmas Day instead of going to numerous family engagements (that's a true story . . . MY true story. And I'm not single, I just have an awesome boyfriend.)

1) FREEEEEEDOM

- I am opposite of "in a controlling/manipulative relationship", but I realize that I am the exception. Most people have to let their significant other know what they are doing at all times, where they are, who they are with, etc. Doesn't that get exhausting? and annoying? Do you really need to know if I'm sitting at home eating Doritos and playing the Sims? I'm not out grinding on male models at a dance club. Are you at a bar with your buddies? Did you have to clear that first with your obnoxious controlling significant other? Or did you text him/her and say, "hey, I'm going up to [insert bar/restaurant here] with [insert friends' names here], wanna meet us up here later?" Or, if you're single, did you just say to yourself, "I'M GOING OUT!"?

This is not a rant about how being in a relationship sucks. It doesn't. It's just some reasons why being single doesn't HAVE to suck.

**no actual science was conducted in the writing of this blog post.

Why I Love My Family (and Antarctica)

I make my parents watch Jeopardy with me whenever I'm home. Tonight, there was the category

"Way Down South in South Georgia". It was a video category showcasing penguins, reindeer, elephant seals, etc. that live on the Antarctic island of South Georgia. We watch video of a naturalist in cold weather clothing explaining all these things about Antarctica.

The last question was a question about my man crush Ernest Shackleton. It is at this point that my father, who is deathly ill with the flu, says, "Where the hell is South Georgia?"

I said, "Antarctica."

He said, "Oh, damn, I thought they were talking about the United States."

He just sat there in a fevered stupor thinking that the people on Jeopardy were telling him that penguins, seals, reindeer, and Ernest Shackleton lived in south Georgia, USA.

Just Livin' Life

Wow.

I am not exaggerating when I say I am lethally, fatally, unbearably bored.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm not dying. Physically. The recent "Blizzard of 2011", as WXYZ dubbed it, robbed me of a whole two days at my place of employment. I was going crazy. My mother remarked that she was glad I didn't have an axe, so I couldn't go Jack Nicholson on everyone and hack them all up.

I played in the snow for about a half hour all by myself. Sad little girl. I think my dad considered snow-suiting up and coming out to build a snowman, but decided against it since he had just snowblowed the 7+ inches of fluffy white substance from our driveway. I pretended to help by shoveling the street plow residue from the end of the driveway, but then my neighbor came out with her snowblower and offered to do it.

For the first time ever, I was sad to refrain from physical labor.

Yes, I'm that bored.

I've read 4 books in the past week. I have played an ungodly amount of Sims 3. I watch HGTV all the time (+1 Internetz for me getting my mom hooked so I don't have to fight for the good TV). I have yet to watch the Netflix movie that I've had for about 5 months, but that's in my future plans.

Just livin' life, my friends.