The Sleeved Blanket

I am a proud member of the Snuggie Cult. I am not ashamed to admit that I love wrapping myself up in my fleece leopard-print sleeved blanket and having the free use of my arms to change the TV station, play on the computer, or eat massive amounts of Better Made Barbecue chips.

I don't understand why people are so against these wonderful warm envelopes of love. One of the major arguments is that "it's just like a backwards robe!" Excuse you, but my robe does not cover my entire body and tuck around every inch of me, concealing me in a warm pocket of comfort. My robe is shorter than my body so my feet stick out and this hinders the mobility that the Snuggie provides.



It is also particularly excellent for smoking hookah, something I realize that not everyone condones. However, it is quite nice, in the winter, to sit in my bedroom with the window open and Katie next to me, in her zebra-print Snuggie, ably passing the hose to and fro without fear of clumsily knocking over the apparatus and burning a hole in my crappy brown carpet. Out of respect for my home, I employ the Snuggie to keep my window open and dissipate the smoke -- my house does not smell like "The Dope Den", which is what my mother calls my bedroom (there is no marijuana involved, only tobacco, Mother Dearest just thinks she's being clever.)

And the commercials. THE COMMERCIALS! Pure marketing genius.



Seriously, GOD BLESS SNUGGIE SEASON. I'm so glad you're back.

What Do Wizard Teenagers Do?

Awhile ago, my soul mate Katie and I had a long, drawn out, (beer-induced) discussion about what the students at Hogwarts do in their spare time. This is, of course, when they are not working diligently on their wizard homework or playing Quidditch or boning in the Restricted Sex-ion. What do they do to relax? How do they get crazy? You can't tell me that sneaking out after curfew to go sit and watch Hagrid hatch dragons is the riskiest thing they do. We decided that these activities probably differ from house to house, so here is a detailed analysis of our discussion conclusions.

1) GRYFFINDOR

Intoxicant of choice: Beer and/or Jaeger bombs

Activities: swordfights with Godric Gryffindor sword replicas, Gryffindor Beer Drinking Olympics, the Harry Potter drinking game (anytime his name is mentioned you do a Jaeger bomb)

Why: Gryffindors are brave and courageous, and liquid courage only intensifies these traits. Gryffindors would be the ones to try to Bungee jump with Extendable Ears, use centaurs as mechanical bulls, and graffiti the castle with things like BALLS DEEP in ink that won't erase. They would play parkour on the moving staircases and let all the house-elves out to run races through the corridors, all while taking bets on who will pass out in the Great Hall and get peed on by Mrs. Norris. They would also be the ones to upload all the incriminating photos to Facebook because THEY DO WHAT THEY WANT and Dumbledore was a Gryffindor so that absolves them of all fault.


2) HUFFLEPUFF

Intoxicant of choice: Marijuana

Activities: getting the munchies and raiding the kitchens, since their common room is right near it. Spacing out and staring at the fire looking for famous faces to materialize. Listening to Celestina Warbeck on the wizard wireless.

Why: If it weren't for Cedric Diggory, we would say the Hufflepuffs are saints who do nothing but sit around and knit and smile at each other. But Diggs and his crew had to be badass in some way, so we figured they would go with weed to mellow out and forget all the happy Hufflepuffiness that surrounds them on a daily basis and makes them hate life.


3) RAVENCLAW

Intoxicant of choice: Wine and/or Adderall

Activities: sitting in big chairs with glasses of port having fake intellectual conversations (i.e. "Why does wine give you such a bad hangover?"), playing trivia-based drinking games, staying up all night doing homework, having boisterous debates such as "Grindelwald vs. Voldemort: Who Was More Clever?" which devolve into fistfights

Why: Everyone knows Ravenclaws are ridiculously smart, clever, witty, intelligent people. So naturally, wine is the drink of choice. But they are still teenagers, so they binge drink with it. Their drinking games have to be high-brow, so they base them on logic. The debates get pretty intense, which is why they have learned to be excellent boxers. And when exams approach, everyone at Hogwarts knows to get in good with the prefects of Ravenclaw, who control the castle's stock of behavioral meds. How else would an entire house have a reputation of being insanely intelligent? They study all day and party all night!


4) SLYTHERIN

Intoxicant of choice: Expensive vodka and/or cocaine

Activities: Pin the Dark Mark on the Mudblood, Voldemortic rituals, drawing penises on people who pass out, Take A Shot For Every Death Eater Relative You Can Prove (family trees/heraldic evidence required), Slytherin Fight Club

Why: Slytherin parties are the wizard equivalent of high-brow Manhattan raves. Techno blaring, a VIP lounge, cocaine gift bags. They can afford it because they are wizarding royalty. There's a dress code and house-elves bring you Grey Goose cocktails in Swarovski crystal glasses. When everyone gets really shitty, the Slytherin FIght Club emerges, where people bet on how much pure blood will be spilled on the dungeon floor.



Also, this actually happens, since once upon a time I was a wizard teenager, so this is a first-hand account.

In Memoriam

Today, Hollywood lost a legend. Tom Bosley, a childhood hero of mine, passed away today at the ripe old age of 83.

To me, the name "Tom Bosley" will always mean two things: Mr. Cunningham and David the Gnome. I know that I have posted numerous things about David the Gnome, but I don't think anyone understands what a fantastic show that is. Damnit, I want to ride a fox named (not Taylor) Swift around the forest and preach about being kind to our earth. But alas, I am not a forest gnome voiced by Tom Bosley and I do not have my life narrated by Christopher Plummer.

Enjoy, friends. Rest in peace, Mr. Bosley, you are missed.

Abomination Island

All of us, at one point or another, have thought, "If I could send that person away to live on a desert island in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no chance of being rescued, I WOULD DO IT." That island, though you may not know it, is called Abomination Island.

I am generally an angry person, in the superficial sense (not the "I'm-going-to-build-a-pipe-bomb-and-blow-up-a-Wal-Mart-while-wearing-a-trenchcoat" kind of angry, just the "I-can't-stand-how-stupid-people-are" kind of angry). So for this reason, my Abomination Island is not only overpopulated, but a sort of cycle. Some people are permanent residents, others have a rent-to-own contract that could be broken with proper redemption.

So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Permanent Residents of Abomination Island.

(**disclaimer: I'm leaving off obvious permanent residents like Hitler, Stalin, Jack the Ripper, Paris Hilton, etc.)

5) Kwame Kilpatrick/everyone who re-elected him

The city of Detroit is composed of a bunch of stupidheads. I can forgive electing a young, charismatic mayor the first time around. During his first term as mayor, there were rumors of wild parties at the Manoogian Mansion, a stripper (Tamara Greene) who had attended the party was murdered, Kwame fired the police chief who was supposed to investigate alleged party at the mansion, a Lieutenant sued the city and Kwame because he was transferred out of his homicide unit after he began investigating the Tamara Greene case, and on top of all of that, during his re-election campaign, the Free Press reported that Kwame had spent $210,000 of the city's money on travel, food, and entertainment. All of this in a city with the worst public schools in the nation and a big ol' barrel of POOR.
You know what? Aww, they made a mistake. They thought Kwame would bring a sense of hope and optimism to the crumbling city. When he failed to, you know, make any progress aside from renovating Downtown, one would think that the city voters would say "PEACE OUT YO" and oust him, electing Bono or Angelina Jolie.

Uh, who do you think won the 2005 election?

Long story short, he had a sext-messaging scandal, made lots of shady deals, stole money, basically sat around being super corrupt and only after he was thrown in prison did the people of Detroit actually see that they elected a fucking CRIMINAL.

4) Steven Seagal
This guy gives me the creeps. First of all, he just looks like a psycho who drives around a white van and kidnaps women like that freak from Silence of the Lambs.

Leather jacket, anyone?

But I'm (reasonably) sure he's not a woman-skinner, so we'll just ignore that and focus on the thing he is known for. Acting.

If you can call it acting. Every single movie is THE SAME. Just like Tom Cruise can only play different variations of Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal can only play Steven Seagal. His IMDB Biography makes me want to eat a pickled egg and throw it up all over my new moccasins.

"Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. film Above the Law (1988)."

SIIIIICK. Also, shall we play the "Steven Seagal movie title game"? All you do is put "Steven Seagal is" before the titles of his movies. Here goes:

Steven Seagal is . . . ABOVE THE LAW.

Steven Seagal is . . . HARD TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . MARKED FOR DEATH.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR JUSTICE.

Steven Seagal is . . . UNDER SIEGE.

Steven Seagal is . . . ON DEADLY GROUND.

(He went through a period of enlightenment where someone decided to get a little more creative, but then he went back to -- )

Steven Seagal is . . . HALF PAST DEAD.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR A KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT OF REACH.

Steven Seagal is . . . PISTOL WHIPPED.

Steven Seagal is . . . DRIVEN TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . A DANGEROUS MAN.

Steven Seagal is . . . BORN TO RAISE HELL.

I will be eternally ashamed that he hails from Lansing, MI. More reason to hate Lansing.

3) Simon Cowell

One reason and one reason only: he always has hard nipples. GUYS NEED TO WEAR UNDERSHIRTS.


2) Heidi Montag-Pratt

I would highlight Spencer as well, but I look like a giant man-hater right now, so I will limit it to his beastly Barbie wife. I think that in order to get the full effect of Her Hideousness, we will post some Heidi quotes, or, as I like to call them, stupid.


On Children:"I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa."

On starting rumors about Lauren Conrad:"God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

On religion:"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

On long shots:"I plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious."

On her boob job:"I think I was just thrilled. I think honestly, it was like Extreme Makeover."

SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT THERE WERE CRITERIA YOU HAD TO MEET IN ORDER TO BE FAMOUS. Like, having talent. Or being good-looking. Or murdering someone famous.

1) Kanye West

ANYONE who has the balls to deem THEMSELVES "the voice of a generation" is permanently #1 on my Abomination Island. His music is okay. I would not say he's a genius. He would, though. And what he did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

"Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIME!! Of ALL TIME!"

EWWWWWWW!

Admittedly, I am not the biggest Swift fan, since I feel like most of her music is her whining about how the guys she likes doesn't like her, and since she's not a cheerleader and wears T shirts and sneakers they should like her more because she "gets them", but HOLY RUDENESS. I do know all the words to "Golddigger" because of Glee, but I turn off the radio when he comes on. And my co-workers thought it was hilarious to put a picture of him up in my cube with sticky notes all over it saying JANELLE LOVES KANYE. That's how intense my hatred of him is.

KANYE, I AM THE VOICE OF THIS GENERATION, AND WE HATE YOU.

My Graduate School Application Essay

Hi important people at college,

Basically, I am a badass. And this means one thing: you should let me into your school to study whatever the hell I want.

Elementary School

I was SUPER COOL in elementary school. I was so smart that I got 100% on every spelling test in five years, except for the one time I misspelled an extra credit word. Incidentally, the word was "Bellview", the name of my school, which I passed on a sign every day for six years. I was popular by association, since I was kind of a bitch, but my best friend was the most popular and well-liked girl in school. I went through a phase where I wouldn't wear jeans, and then there was the infamous Lee Pipes stage.

Middle School

Not so much bad-assery here. Skinny, awkward, unibrow-toting freakishly smart girl. The popular girls with really shitty houses but really awesome clothes used me for my homework skills, and they basically stomped all over me and my innocent generosity. My favorite story: at my 13th birthday party, I walked outside and one of these trolls was making out with my "boyfriend". I dominated them in rec-league fastpitch softball, though, since they all smoked cigarettes. For all the extremely crappy experiences there, though, I was the ultimate winner, as we shall see when I get to high school.

High School

I waxed the unibrow, hit the books, joined the band and rocked the varsity softball team. Vice President of the National Honor Society? check. Captain of varsity softball? huzzah. Marching band section leader of the alto saxophones? Fo sho. Oh, and did I mention I was on Homecoming Court and graduated #1 in my class with a 4.22 grade point? Suck it, middle school bitches, you're all mothers now, and I'm partying. Well, I guess you are still partying, but I'm not responsible for another human life, and therefore my partying is socially acceptable.

College

I didn't quite own college as much as I owned high school. I did get a full scholarship, though, which was the bomb. I was an engineering major for awhile before I said, "boooor-ing", and switched to majoring in TV, which is infinitely more fun, and also probably the easiest major at my school. I joined a sorority where I do a ton of community service and philanthropy work, became an RA, got a job on campus, studied abroad in England, traveled Europe, and had the time of my life, all while complaining when I really had nothing to complain about.

Also, my family is awesome. I have fantastic friends. I love pretending to be bitter and cynical, because it's a better outlet for humor. I like to write, and make funny movies, and be on the internet.

So, graduate school admissions people, pick me. Choose me. Love me. If you give me the chance, I can rule the school and possibly the world. I just need a Pinky to my Brain, so do you think you could start taking applications for my assistant? Thanks so much.

Good night, and good luck.

MUCH LOVEZ <3>

Janelle

Love Letter to Youtube

Dear YouTube,

I know I haven't been the best at proclaiming my feelings for you. I think that you are one relationship I take for granted on a daily basis. You are the one friend that is always there for me wherever I am. At my beck and call.

If I'm feeling lonely, I can watch Kittens Inspired by Kittens and feel better. I don't have to wait for you to respond to my call, text, email or Facebook post. Now that I'm a big kid and have internet on my phone, I can literally go to you whenever I want.

If I'm feeling nerdy, I can watch Leeroy Jenkins and feel like my life isn't as dorky as theirs. I can laugh at how mad they all get when Leeroy just goes charging unto the breach, stoned and brave, and giggle when they say "Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell."

If I'm feeling silly, I can watch the Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video and laugh till I cry. I actually have laughed that hard at this video, especially when I'm watching it with other people. It's gotten to the point where when this song comes on my iPod, I sing these lyrics instead of the real ones.

If I'm feeling nostalgic, I can watch Dramatic Reading of a Breakup Letter and think about the seventy thousand times we watched that at Harlaxton. It was quoted on a daily basis, a fact we exploited because we had a friend named Chris. In the same vein, if I ever feel like I want to relive some entertaining yet unsettling moments, I just watch the Ripple Effect, Ripple Nation or Ripple Nation UK.

If I'm feeling bored, I can watch any random old TV show via your services. David the Gnome! The Littl' Bits! Are You Afraid of the Dark! You have allowed me to re-explore my childhood in ways I'd never thought possible. For that, I am eternally grateful.

If I'm feeling energetic, I can watch Dancing at the Movies and dance in my chair. "Footloose" is one of those songs that I can't resist dancing to whenever I hear it. I think that if someone started playing it while I was asleep, I would unconsciously start snapping or tapping my foot.

So thank you, YouTube. I love the shit out of you. I apologize for all the wonderful videos I failed to mention here, but know that I couldn't possibly link to all the beautiful amazingness that you can provide.

All my love,

Janelle

If I Were Queen

Everyone who knows me knows this: I’m strangely fascinated by royalty. Not really the modern sense, like QE2 and Prince William and all that hullabaloo. No, I’m talking the stone castle, towers and turrets, chowing down on turkey legs royalty. I mean I don’t want to give up modern hygiene (OBVIOUSLY, I would have a nervous breakdown within days) but I would like to live in a castle with modern amenities and still wear the long awesome dresses and have ladies-in-waiting. Oh, by the way, I would be a queen.

My queendom would be badass.

Constitution of My Queendom

First order: The royal dress would consist of Snuggies. Everyone would be required to wear Snuggies in order to more effectively drink beer and smoke hookah while keeping warm and cozy in my drafty stone castle.

Second order: Everyone would be required to watch and love Gilmore Girls, The Office, How I Met Your Mother and, of course, Glee.

Third order: My only required royal duty would be to be on Jeopardy! every night. Even if I lose, I’ll still get to dazzle my queendom with my wits.

Fourth order: Katie Hanevold would run my torture chamber and administer punishments. This could consist of anything from having to listen to the “Small World” song on repeat for 24 hours straight, to having to eat Harlaxton Sunday brunch for every meal for a month straight, to having to learn all the High School Musical dances and perform a show for me.

Fifth order: Everyone in my queendom would be required to watch “The Story of the Weeping Camel” with me, Joel Fralick Jr., Mary Evelyn Hardesty, and Drew Elliot once a week.

Sixth order: We would have a yearly remembrance service for the Princes in the Tower. And all hookahs must be named after a former royal, extra points if they were either martyred or decrepit.

Seventh order: I am to be known as Elizabeth 3.0, but you could call me Good Queen Bess or something. Janelle is not a very royal-sounding name, Elizabeth is my confirmation name and it calls to mind an era of royal dominance and good plays, and the 3.0 signifies how progressive I am at integrating the royals into modern society, even though I’ll still live in a stone castle and wear long dresses.

Eighth order: After I die, a new queen would not be necessary since my specter will govern in my place. I plan on haunting people.

Ninth order: I can marry/divorce/execute anyone I want. I don’t want any of the trouble that plagued Henry VIII, so we’ll just put that out there right now.

Tenth order: All children must be named after literary figures, television/movie characters, or historical badasses. Dibs on Boudica.

Eleventh order: All children’s middle names must be Katie LeMire. Example of an appropriate child’s name in my kingdom: Laura Ingalls Wilder Katie LeMire [insert last name].

Twelfth order: Facebook creeping is completely acceptable and, in fact, encouraged. Classes will be offered, taught by Anne Joy and myself, with a special section on library database creeping taught by Kelsey Carlstedt.

Amendments

1) Royal Titles and Styles

Her Royal Usefulness, Absolutely Fantastic Epitome of Divine Beauty, Supreme Dictator of the Land . . . Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O'Hara.

Lord Kitten . . . Aaron Stoll

Minstrel WeeWee . . . Joel Fralick Jr.

Her Quirkiness, The Quintessence of a Quirky Queendom . . . Mary Evelyn Hardesty

This may or may not be amended at will by me, Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O’Hara.