Abomination Island

All of us, at one point or another, have thought, "If I could send that person away to live on a desert island in the middle of the ocean with absolutely no chance of being rescued, I WOULD DO IT." That island, though you may not know it, is called Abomination Island.

I am generally an angry person, in the superficial sense (not the "I'm-going-to-build-a-pipe-bomb-and-blow-up-a-Wal-Mart-while-wearing-a-trenchcoat" kind of angry, just the "I-can't-stand-how-stupid-people-are" kind of angry). So for this reason, my Abomination Island is not only overpopulated, but a sort of cycle. Some people are permanent residents, others have a rent-to-own contract that could be broken with proper redemption.

So without further ado, here are my Top 5 Permanent Residents of Abomination Island.

(**disclaimer: I'm leaving off obvious permanent residents like Hitler, Stalin, Jack the Ripper, Paris Hilton, etc.)

5) Kwame Kilpatrick/everyone who re-elected him

The city of Detroit is composed of a bunch of stupidheads. I can forgive electing a young, charismatic mayor the first time around. During his first term as mayor, there were rumors of wild parties at the Manoogian Mansion, a stripper (Tamara Greene) who had attended the party was murdered, Kwame fired the police chief who was supposed to investigate alleged party at the mansion, a Lieutenant sued the city and Kwame because he was transferred out of his homicide unit after he began investigating the Tamara Greene case, and on top of all of that, during his re-election campaign, the Free Press reported that Kwame had spent $210,000 of the city's money on travel, food, and entertainment. All of this in a city with the worst public schools in the nation and a big ol' barrel of POOR.
You know what? Aww, they made a mistake. They thought Kwame would bring a sense of hope and optimism to the crumbling city. When he failed to, you know, make any progress aside from renovating Downtown, one would think that the city voters would say "PEACE OUT YO" and oust him, electing Bono or Angelina Jolie.

Uh, who do you think won the 2005 election?

Long story short, he had a sext-messaging scandal, made lots of shady deals, stole money, basically sat around being super corrupt and only after he was thrown in prison did the people of Detroit actually see that they elected a fucking CRIMINAL.

4) Steven Seagal
This guy gives me the creeps. First of all, he just looks like a psycho who drives around a white van and kidnaps women like that freak from Silence of the Lambs.

Leather jacket, anyone?

But I'm (reasonably) sure he's not a woman-skinner, so we'll just ignore that and focus on the thing he is known for. Acting.

If you can call it acting. Every single movie is THE SAME. Just like Tom Cruise can only play different variations of Tom Cruise, Steven Seagal can only play Steven Seagal. His IMDB Biography makes me want to eat a pickled egg and throw it up all over my new moccasins.

"Steven Seagal is a striking and somewhat boyishly handsome looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988 in the fast-paced Warner Bros. film Above the Law (1988)."

SIIIIICK. Also, shall we play the "Steven Seagal movie title game"? All you do is put "Steven Seagal is" before the titles of his movies. Here goes:

Steven Seagal is . . . ABOVE THE LAW.

Steven Seagal is . . . HARD TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . MARKED FOR DEATH.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR JUSTICE.

Steven Seagal is . . . UNDER SIEGE.

Steven Seagal is . . . ON DEADLY GROUND.

(He went through a period of enlightenment where someone decided to get a little more creative, but then he went back to -- )

Steven Seagal is . . . HALF PAST DEAD.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT FOR A KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . OUT OF REACH.

Steven Seagal is . . . PISTOL WHIPPED.

Steven Seagal is . . . DRIVEN TO KILL.

Steven Seagal is . . . A DANGEROUS MAN.

Steven Seagal is . . . BORN TO RAISE HELL.

I will be eternally ashamed that he hails from Lansing, MI. More reason to hate Lansing.

3) Simon Cowell

One reason and one reason only: he always has hard nipples. GUYS NEED TO WEAR UNDERSHIRTS.


2) Heidi Montag-Pratt

I would highlight Spencer as well, but I look like a giant man-hater right now, so I will limit it to his beastly Barbie wife. I think that in order to get the full effect of Her Hideousness, we will post some Heidi quotes, or, as I like to call them, stupid.


On Children:"I want, like, four. Maybe I'll adopt 10. I want to have my own orphanage like Mother Teresa."

On starting rumors about Lauren Conrad:"God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

On religion:"I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

On long shots:"I plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious."

On her boob job:"I think I was just thrilled. I think honestly, it was like Extreme Makeover."

SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT THERE WERE CRITERIA YOU HAD TO MEET IN ORDER TO BE FAMOUS. Like, having talent. Or being good-looking. Or murdering someone famous.

1) Kanye West

ANYONE who has the balls to deem THEMSELVES "the voice of a generation" is permanently #1 on my Abomination Island. His music is okay. I would not say he's a genius. He would, though. And what he did to Taylor Swift at the VMAs?

"Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIME!! Of ALL TIME!"

EWWWWWWW!

Admittedly, I am not the biggest Swift fan, since I feel like most of her music is her whining about how the guys she likes doesn't like her, and since she's not a cheerleader and wears T shirts and sneakers they should like her more because she "gets them", but HOLY RUDENESS. I do know all the words to "Golddigger" because of Glee, but I turn off the radio when he comes on. And my co-workers thought it was hilarious to put a picture of him up in my cube with sticky notes all over it saying JANELLE LOVES KANYE. That's how intense my hatred of him is.

KANYE, I AM THE VOICE OF THIS GENERATION, AND WE HATE YOU.