If I Were Queen

Everyone who knows me knows this: I’m strangely fascinated by royalty. Not really the modern sense, like QE2 and Prince William and all that hullabaloo. No, I’m talking the stone castle, towers and turrets, chowing down on turkey legs royalty. I mean I don’t want to give up modern hygiene (OBVIOUSLY, I would have a nervous breakdown within days) but I would like to live in a castle with modern amenities and still wear the long awesome dresses and have ladies-in-waiting. Oh, by the way, I would be a queen.

My queendom would be badass.

Constitution of My Queendom

First order: The royal dress would consist of Snuggies. Everyone would be required to wear Snuggies in order to more effectively drink beer and smoke hookah while keeping warm and cozy in my drafty stone castle.

Second order: Everyone would be required to watch and love Gilmore Girls, The Office, How I Met Your Mother and, of course, Glee.

Third order: My only required royal duty would be to be on Jeopardy! every night. Even if I lose, I’ll still get to dazzle my queendom with my wits.

Fourth order: Katie Hanevold would run my torture chamber and administer punishments. This could consist of anything from having to listen to the “Small World” song on repeat for 24 hours straight, to having to eat Harlaxton Sunday brunch for every meal for a month straight, to having to learn all the High School Musical dances and perform a show for me.

Fifth order: Everyone in my queendom would be required to watch “The Story of the Weeping Camel” with me, Joel Fralick Jr., Mary Evelyn Hardesty, and Drew Elliot once a week.

Sixth order: We would have a yearly remembrance service for the Princes in the Tower. And all hookahs must be named after a former royal, extra points if they were either martyred or decrepit.

Seventh order: I am to be known as Elizabeth 3.0, but you could call me Good Queen Bess or something. Janelle is not a very royal-sounding name, Elizabeth is my confirmation name and it calls to mind an era of royal dominance and good plays, and the 3.0 signifies how progressive I am at integrating the royals into modern society, even though I’ll still live in a stone castle and wear long dresses.

Eighth order: After I die, a new queen would not be necessary since my specter will govern in my place. I plan on haunting people.

Ninth order: I can marry/divorce/execute anyone I want. I don’t want any of the trouble that plagued Henry VIII, so we’ll just put that out there right now.

Tenth order: All children must be named after literary figures, television/movie characters, or historical badasses. Dibs on Boudica.

Eleventh order: All children’s middle names must be Katie LeMire. Example of an appropriate child’s name in my kingdom: Laura Ingalls Wilder Katie LeMire [insert last name].

Twelfth order: Facebook creeping is completely acceptable and, in fact, encouraged. Classes will be offered, taught by Anne Joy and myself, with a special section on library database creeping taught by Kelsey Carlstedt.

Amendments

1) Royal Titles and Styles

Her Royal Usefulness, Absolutely Fantastic Epitome of Divine Beauty, Supreme Dictator of the Land . . . Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O'Hara.

Lord Kitten . . . Aaron Stoll

Minstrel WeeWee . . . Joel Fralick Jr.

Her Quirkiness, The Quintessence of a Quirky Queendom . . . Mary Evelyn Hardesty

This may or may not be amended at will by me, Janelle Marie Elizabeth 3.0 O’Hara.