The Precocious Writings of a Young Janelle

Recently I cleaned and purged my entire bedroom and discovered that my mother had hoarded all of my old school work on the very top shelf of my closet. (Being 5'2" and not particularly motivated, I had never really had any desire to look at what was up there. BIG MISTAKE.)

After being covered in dust and broken dreams, I set to going through all of it and figuring out what I should save and what I should throw away. Best decision I ever made.

The following are excerpts from various journals, books (I was a self-publishing magnate, complete with illustrations and staples as book bindings) and hand-drawn cards dating from 1991-1993, roughly from pre-school to first grade.

THESE ARE ALL REAL WORDS WRITTEN BY ME.

Undated, estimated kindergarten, book

The Book About My Life

pg. 1: My life is terrible I hate my life

pg. 2: don't you hate when people throw stuff at you

pg. 3: and my little brother always rips the pages out of my books

pg. 4: and my mom always blames stuff on me!

pg. 5: and I hate when my dad had surjary

pg. 6: so that's the story. and don't forget I hate my life!!!

[*Editor's note: I don't have a brother. I tend to make shit up. You'll see.]

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first grade journal. non-bold are comments from teacher.

Ia

I Like School.

What do you like about school, Janelle?

I Like Resase

What I lik Best About Resase is! I like To Play With Nadia.

That's great! What did you do this weekend?

I Went To My Cottage.

Oh wow! Where is your cottage? What did you do there?

My Cottage is in Edinvill. it is on a Lake So I Went Swimigg. My Cottage has 12 BedRooms.

[*Editor's note: this is true.]

Wow!! What do you do there?

I Ride Some Horses at My Cottage. Ther Names are: Trixy & IsaBell.

[*Editor's note: this is not true.]

Do Trixy and Isabell belong to you or do you just get to ride them when you visit? Who takes care of them?

I Just Ride Them When I Visit. The Ourwer takes Care of Them.

My Sister Nicole, always agervaits me.

How old is Nicole? What does she do to aggravate you?

Nicole is 4 yeares old. She Sings In Bed.

What are you going to do about this problem? How can you solve it?

I Could move her in to the Guesete Room.

[*Editor's note: we do not have a guest room, nor have we EVER shared a bedroom. Just making more shit up.]

That's a great idea! How would your mom react to this?

She Would'dind Mind.

Maybe you should discuss this with your mother, Janelle. Maybe she will move Nicole into the guest room and you can have a room of your own!

I Hope so.

Nadia And I Are going to a Bronie Soc-Hop.

What is a Sock Hop, Janelle?

[*Editor's note: Teacher had written "Cock Hop" and cleverly changed the C to an S. Not joking.]

It is for Our Bronie Troop. it is a place Where you dance in your hollowen costume.

When I go trick-or-treating, I am going to say something else. Smell my Feet.

Wouldn't you be surprised if people smelled your feet?

Almoste evryone Smelld my Feet. it was cool.

Really? I'm shocked! How did your feet smell?

They smelld like Flowers.

My favorit kind of rock is from Lake Saperer. My Granpa went ther to go fishing I have a rock colekchin of them I likke them and I realy realy like them, alot.

What is your favorite kind of rock in your collection?

My favorit rock is a realy prity one. it is a wite one. It is a sparcily one.

Nicole gets undressed and starts to resul with my dad.

[*Editor's note: WHAT THE FUCK? My mom and I died laughing at this one. We have come to the conclusion that this was during Nikki's "naked phase" where she had an issue with clothing. Remember, she was 4. And my dad never really "resuled" with us, it was more like Nikki would want to play and climb all over him and hit and punch him and he would toss her away. So our conclusion is that Nikki did not get undressed to "resul" with him, she was already running around in her underwear and happened to start bothering my dad. I wonder why he wasn't investigated by Child Protective Services.]

Why does she get undressed to wrestle?

Because it is easyr to resul.

Doesn't she get cold?

No she gets hot. My parints are home from Las Veges. They brout us a minni-mouse T-shirt, rocks from the Hoover Dam, Planet HollyWood T-shirts and Big cups. My mom and dad drank out of those cups. my dad held his pee for an hour. After the show, my dad said "meet you at the bath room." When they got home I was sleeping on the floor.

[*Editor's note: The picture I drew is of me sleeping on the floor and, since my favorite TV show was "Cops", on the television I drew a picture of a cop shooting someone dead. I really don't know why my family wasn't reported.]

You must be glad your parents are home and everything is back to normal!

Yes I am glad but I forgot my list at my Aunt's house.

Do you really need your list?

[*Editor's note: the "list" I drew reads: "eat brekfist, get dreesed, brush teeth, go to school"]

I went to Power-Ragers live. We got cotten candy. Lord Zed was a big baloon at the end of the show it poped! Lord Zed turned Eiesha and Adem in to birds. They were recuede! The Power-Ragers names are Tommy, Rockey, Eiesha, Billy, Kimberly and Adem.

My uncle Ed died. He died of a hart atak. He said never to die on a weekend. He died on a Friday!

[*Editor's note: This is true. He ALWAYS said "never die on a weekend" because it messes up everyone's weekend with a funeral. I can't BELIEVE I wrote that in my journal.]

I erned 24 bages in my brownie troop. That is 1 more bage than Nadia. I think Kelly has 24, too, but I'm not sure.

[*Editor's note: Kudos to myself for learning at age 6 how to write a proper sentence!! And having one more badge than Nadia!]

What did you earn your badges for?

Oh, ther are lots of resons. Nature, Music, Shadows, Soc-Hop, Camp, and lots, lots more. I have lots of badges.

Neat! What did you do at camp?

We saw a hair ball.

What is a hair ball?

It is something that an animal throws up after it has eatin a smaller animal with hair like mice. A Naturlist shows the hair ball to us at the Nature Center. The bones of a mouse were in it.

[*Editor's note: I drew a horse throwing up.]

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another self-published book, kindergarten

Pomes

dedication page:

For Nadia G. Ouellette

&

Stephanie L. Demsich

---

The Fish Bowl

---

these are my fishes names: roly, poly, pell, mell, tumble, bumble.

[*Editor's note: those words are from the classic children's book "The Poky Little Puppy".]

three Arms

---

I have tree arms.

My friend has four arms we both live on Farms.

school

---

After school we

Played in a pool.

Now thats

cool.

My Log

---

my Log is shaped

like a dog. It is

a Hog.

[*Editor's note: this may or may not have been about my poop.]

The Free-sample Man

---

The Free sample

man loves samples

And he loves them

galore. So throw your

samples on the floor.

[*Editor's note: Plagiarized, probably from Shel Silverstein. Like I knew what the word "galore" meant.]

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another self-published book, pre-school, age 3. Probably my first novel.

The Big Hill

by Janelle

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There wasan OLD MAN and. an OLD woman

---

WHO LIVED ona hill itis HARD to goup

---

it is EASYTO go down theend

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self-published book, first grade

My SISTER!

by Janelle

My sister punches me when I laghf at her.

---

In Bed, she kickes the covers of me.

---

Yesterday, It was a family meber's birthday. It was my cosin's wife's birthday. She Imbareiissed me by pushing me into The Table.

---

On Cristmas, she was bad.

[*Editor's note: this drawing shows two stockings hanging on the fireplace that we don't have. Mine is stuffed with presents. Nikki's has coal. I wrote "Nicole" on the stocking and boxed the letters "C-O-L-E". You can tell we had a great relationship.]

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If that isn't reason enough to understand why I am the way I am today, well, you are not smart.