Signs the Apocalypse is Coming

Recently my mother and I have been discussing all the extremely shitty things that are happening in our world. Both of us have come to the conclusion that possibly, just MAYBE, the world really is going to end by 2012. (Which would be okay with me, since then I won't have to pay off my student loans.) I've compiled a list of signs that definitely point to The World's End - (not the tavern in Edinburgh, although that would be cool.) I take a lot of my stylistic hints from Cracked.com, if you can't tell.

Signs the Apocalypse is Coming

1) Crazy strong earthquakes

Obviously, there are earthquakes all the time. But within the past 6 years there have been some freaking monsters. (I STILL say that these are caused by giant fanged earthworms that burrow through the ground, but that in itself is a sign of the apocalypse, so . . . )

The tsunami in 2004 was caused by a magnitude 9.1 earthquake. NINE POINT ONE. That killed 227,898 people. That is more people than live in my entire city. Not to mention the 2005 earthquake in Pakistan that killed over 80,000, the 2008 Chinese earthquake that killed over 85,000, and of course who could forget the recent tremors in Haiti (over 222,000 fatalities) and Chile. There was even a 5.0 earthquake in Canada. Fucking CANADA.

We're all screwed.

2) Weather That Wants To Kill Us

Is it just me, or is the weather . . . stronger? I know we're supposedly going through climate change and that's all dandy, but all I know is that everything seems more intense lately. Winter storms are a dime a dozen, even though we in the northern Midwest had about a decade's worth of shitty brown Christmases. Tornadoes used to be a novelty, now I get bored when I see a tornado warning blaring across the screen (because DAMN IT, I'm trying to watch "The Secrets of the Bermuda Triangle"!) Scientists are predicting that the hurricane season will be worse this year. And oh yeah, even though we had a frigid, icy, colder-than-Naomi Campbell winter, the heat is intense this year. Which, of course, I wouldn't know, since I'm holed up in an office all summer.

3) Al Gore is Getting Divorced

Let's be real. We all know about Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth". The world is suffocating from greenhouse gases, and pretty soon it's going to be like The Day After Tomorrow and the entire northern hemisphere is going to be covered by a polar ice cap, forcing the evacuation of all Americans to Mexico (how's that for irony?) and finally making Dennis Quaid into a hero after he was unceremoniously dumped by Meg Ryan.

Hmmm . . . it's okay, Dennis.

But the most damning signal that the world is coming to an end is Al and Tipper Gore's pending divorce. Because honestly, the guy must know something we don't. He knows he only has roughly two years to hit all the insanely hot young tail we all know he can get before the whole freaking world ends. So long, Tipper, hello, Lindsay Lohan.

4) The BP Oil Spill

It's aliens. That HAS to be the only explanation why we can place a well under the ocean but can't seem to repair it once it exploded (by aliens). ALIENSALIENSALIENS

Also, we can put cameras down there? Which leads me to my next point . . .

5) BP Bought Technology From Kevin Costner

You read that correctly. Kevin Costner, the brilliant actor from such classics as The Untouchables, Field of Dreams, and The Postman (that last one was a joke) has apparently sold 32 of his oil-sucking-up inventions to BP. And now they are testing them to see if they will work. I don't know why they are bothering, everything the man touches turns to gold.

Or maybe water. Either way, it works, right?

Costner says, "I'm not on a white horse. I'm not the savior to this thing. But I'm kind of saying, like, I got a life preserver."

Like, OMGZ.

6) Guido Pandemic

One of the possible predictions for exactly how the world is going to end involves

A global pandemic with very high or even 100% mortality rate caused by a human-made infectious agent, which could be released among population on purpose. The source could be an individual, a laboratory workers group, a terrorist group, governmental or international organization.

-- Wykypaedia, Source Moste Excellente

This is already happening.

As a rampant consumer of anything related to pop culture, this is one of the few things I fail to see ANY sort of appeal in. Celeb Rehab, I get. People like to see C-list celebrities be bigger train wrecks than the majority of mainstream America. Sex and the City, I get. People want to see an NYC fashionista living beyond her means manufacture her own problems and then whine about them to her best galpals while sipping a cosmo in a trashy dress. Even American Idol, I get. People want to see a trailer park dropout who "only ever wanted to play music" achieve superstardom, come out of the closet, and descend into the depths of the drug world before ending up on Celeb Rehab.

But Jersey Shore? I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't want to see anyone putting a Snooki near anyone's Situation or watching humanity get wiped out by that new-fangled STD I constantly hear referred to as GTL.

7) Amanda Bynes is Retiring From Acting

This is the one thing on this list that has the most profound effect on my daily life. From her infant days as a sketch comedian on All That and The Amanda Show to her lovable turn as Holly on the critically acclaimed WB comedy What I Like About You, Amanda Bynes has changed the world - for the better. Who possibly could have portrayed a more quirkily off-key Penny Pingleton in Hairspray? Amongst a slew of talented singer/actors, she definitely stood out. And who could look less like a boy in She's The Man than Amanda?

I'm being serious here. At 24, she has a solid 15 years left to play a high-school outcast who undergoes a series of trials and tribulations before finally attaining the boy of her dreams.

She announced her retirement via the popular social networking site Twitter, tweeting "I don't love acting anymore so I've stopped doing it".

I DON'T LOVE PLUCKING MY EYEBROWS, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME STOP DOING IT! Come on, Amanda. Do it for me. Your movies are like crack to me. At least we'll always have What A Girl Wants.

Whoever told Colin Firth he should do an Amanda Bynes movie . . . THANK YOU!!!

Plutarch and Toy Story 3

Recently, for my "Golden Age of Greece" class, I have been reading Plutarch's The Rise and Fall of Athens: Nine Greek Lives. Now, I must admit I feel VERY smart when I walk around with that book in my purse and pull it out in various situations, i.e. waiting rooms, Secretary of State, my bedroom. And it's very interesting. I think right now my favorite is Alcibiades, who was Athenian, came to power, fought for them, then when they kicked him out for being too awesome, he went to Sparta. The Spartans said "LIKE OMG IT'S ALCIBIADES LET'S GIVE HIM A SHIT TON OF POWER EVEN THOUGH HE USED TO WORK FOR OUR MORTAL ENEMIES". It's because he was so damn beautiful. I'm serious - Plutarch goes on for ages about how hot Alcibiades was. I think he totally had a man-crush on him. Also, did I mention he was a manwhore and cut his dog's tail off, took a ton of bribes and was basically a lifelong juvenile delinquent? Anyway, so A-Dogg fights for the Spartans for a while, then decides he misses Athens, so he goes back, and the Athenians are all "LIKE OMG WE ARE SO SORRY WE BANISHED YOU FOR BEING SO AWESOME WE MIIIIIISSSSED YOU!" And then Lysander from Sparta ends up kicking the shit out of him or something. But I have to write a paper about Pericles, an Athenian leader who rebuilt the Parthenon, gave his wife away (legally) to someone else, and took political advice from a prostitute.

There was just an earthquake. This beast of a building didn't let me feel it. Damn you Zeus.

On to Toy Story 3, as the title of this post promised. I loved it. I think it's the best of the 3. I love Toy Story. I love Toy Story 2. But this one - I was alternately laughing, terrified, and sobbing. I almost peed myself during the dump scenes. Ken cracked me up (LOVE YOU MICHAEL KEATON!). And the last 15 minutes . . . let me just say that I had to hold back the hysterical sobs. The best part of the whole thing is that I went to the 9:30pm showing, a packed theater, and no one was under the age of 16. There were these five 20-ish year old boys in front of me, looking like they had just got back from the gym/beat an old lady and stole her car, and they were joking around obnoxiously before the movie started. During the whole thing they were dead silent. At the end two of them stood up and started clapping, and the whole theater burst into applause. So poignant. Toy Story changes lives.

Sore Soul

The title says it all. Not only is my throat sore, and my back, and my feet (inexplicably) and my left pinkie finger (explicably - I broke it when I was four and whenever it's humid out it gets stiff), all of that would be okay if I didn't have this lazy apathetic malady called "sore soul".

I really have nothing to complain about, but if I didn't complain I would have nothing to write about. I know I'm lucky to have a job in this economy. I know that I'm sort of lucky to have been hired for an unpaid internship (literally costing them nothing but the power for the computer and the name tag). And I should be happy that I am enriching my educational experience by taking a summer class.

But I just feel so BLAH. Every day. I'm in a bad mood every day. I said that, and Dan said "I noticed." And my sister, at least three times a week, gets really pissy when I won't go turn on the dryer for her or I interrupt her 4 hour baths to use the loo and she yells "TAKE A FUCKING NAP!"

If only, young child, IF ONLY THAT WOULD CURE ME!

I have a few things that I need to keep reminding myself of, so that I will remember to be grateful.

Reasons Janelle Should Try To Love Summer
1) Fox is re-running every episode of GLEE from the beginning of the season on Thursdays.
2) Netflix.
3) My mom will play with my hair if I ask her to.
4) I never work weekends so I can go up north.
5) Now that my boss knows that Danielle and I will almost always take his Tigers season tickets, I may have more free games/parking.
6) The Sims 3. And making drama on it.
7) Dan getting a job so this means he will be making about 14 times what I make so he can pay when we go to Taco Bell or the bar.
8) If I get back on my pseudo-workout schedule I will have a hard body.
9) There is an electronic stapler at the office now.
10) I have a killer playlist on my iPod for when I am driving to the ends of the earth for jobs and school.

Hakuna Matata. Or something.

The Possibility of Evil

By evil, I mean plans.

I'm reasonably sure I will be heading to graduate school in the fall of 2011 studying something vaguely within the realm of film studies/production/screenwriting. There are numerous possibilities for schools, including but not limited to:

UNC-Chapel Hill (film studies)
UW-Madison (communication arts)
UCLA (producer's program)
Ball State (digital storytelling)
Birmingham (U.K.) (History, Film and Television)
East Anglia (U.K.) (Creative Writing - screenwriting)
Nottingham (U.K.) (English studies)

UNC-Greensboro has a sweet program, but they only accept people every other year in even-numbered years, so maybe I'll go get a second masters' for absolutely no reason.

Birmingham, though, is emerging as the frontrunner. They have a program in History, Film and Television that offers a 12-week placement program in the industry. WOW. Literally all three of the subjects listed on my bachelor's degree, AND an internship built in? That is very ballin'.

Of course, money is the huge issue here. I will be putting myself and maybe even my parents in an even larger amount of debt while continuing my education. But the fact remains that I like school, I'm good at school, even though I complain about it ALL THE TIME.

I'm still just very interested to see what grad school is actually like. In the US I would have two years of it, and one in the U.K. Of course, this is considering that I wouldn't chicken out on going there for a year. But if I get good scholarships then I'm going. Also, I need to actually get into the schools, but I'm so awesome no school would ever think of rejecting me. (crosses fingers and hopes that karma didn't read that)

Oh, and I also need to become funnier so I can be a writer on cracked.com.

Revelations

As a child, I was obsessed with many movies, some of which include E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Grease. The reason I point out these three out of MANY is the simple fact that upon watching these shows again around the age of 14 or 15, I suddenly realized that I had NO CLUE what these movies were about as a child.

E.T.
1) I had no idea that Elliot and E.T. were physically co-dependent.
2) I thought those guys in the suits were also aliens.
3) I didn't understand the implications of the rude name "penis breath".
4) I didn't understand that the flower was healed by E.T. and then died when he was dying. I just thought they were crying over a dead flower.
5) I DID NOT understand why Elliot acted so weird in the scene where E.T. gets drunk and Elliot is acting out the movie while he's at school. Totally over my head.
6) I thought Drew Barrymore's character name was "Birdy".

Raiders of the Lost Ark
1) What's an ark?
2) What's the covenant?
3) Who's the evil guy?
4) Why does the bad guy make Marion put on that dress?
5) That's it, I want to be an archaelogist.
6) SNAKESSSS

Grease
1) "A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card." I thought that he just made up a word to rhyme with his name, and he really gave Rizzo a card.
2) "75-cent insurance policy" I really thought he meant the insurance policy for the car, not a condom. And when he said "it broke", I thought he meant that a) the certificate ripped or b) it was expired. Yes, I was 9.
3) I thought Danny was just being nice by giving Sandy a ring, and I couldn't understand why she got so pissed, then I realized he basically tried to rape her. Yeah, that would piss me off too.
4) I also didn't understand how Rizzo thought she was pregnant and then she wasn't. I didn't understand the female menstrual cycle at the time and I just thought she was stupid.

Ooo-de-lally, ooo-de-lally, GOLLY what a day.

Random Musings

- I am strangely attracted to/obsessed with David Niven. Yes, he's dead, and yes, he was born in 1910.
- All I've been thinking about for a few days is The Muppets. Why? No idea. I just think Jim Henson was absolutely genius. Plus I saw that Labyrinth was on TV the other night, and I was so upset that it was on HBO and I couldn't watch it. And now I'm hunting for a bootleg copy of the Muppet Babies on DVD. Plus so many famous people have worked with Muppets and loved the shit out of it. I want to be in a Muppet movie.
- Right now, more than anything, I want to go home and watch Robin Hood the cartoon. I LOVE PRINCE JOHN in that movie. "Mother always did like Richard better." CLASSIC. Also a "Lion in Winter" reference which I adore. And he's a thumb sucker. No I was not a thumb sucker, but I think it's hilarious.
- Why is my work computer so slow? It feels like dial-up.
- Netflix will get me through this sucky summer.
- I wish my last name was Ustinov. Okay, I like my last name, but if I had to enter Witness Protection for witnessing a drive-by Mob whack in the D, I would request the last name Ustinov.
- Was I supposed to get mad that my boyfriend went to a bikini bar?
- I don't mind being imprisoned in a cubicle when it's pouring down rain all day.
- We get to watch 300 in my class tonight. I love Malinda Foster with all my heart for letting me stare at Gerard Butler's abs after a long day of updating web-based media portals.

Burned.

I've been a little MIA from the blogosphere lately, and I know my 2 readers (myself and Mary) are very upset about that. This whole working-40-hours-a-week-only-getting-paid-for-20 thing has rendered me exhausted. I have worked this much in the past (helloooo last summer!) but I never really had a commute, plus I worked at K-Pool for one of my three jobs so that was stress relief. I also have a class Mondays and Wednesdays after my internship which is just another time suck. Whatever. It just means I'm crabby all the time and never want to go anywhere, which saves me money.

Let's see, this weekend was NICE. Friday after work I zoomed home, changed, and then Dan and I took off downtown to go to the Tigers' game. We are pretty much awesome because we just bought a 6 pack and a hot dog before we went down there and spent $8 total, which is what you spend for ONE BEER there. So that was fun. Cabrera hit 3 home runs and yet we STILL lost. Dan was a little mad because we missed the Polish-American Night festivities because I was too slow drinking my beers in the parking garage. WHAT EVER. Haha.

After that we headed over to Matt's because of course Alex was over there, and we hung out and listened to Alex complain about how his testicles hurt, so there were a ton of tasteless jokes all night. Glorious.

Saturday morning after my BITCHING hangover (a.k.a. about 2pm) I took off to go up north for the extended weekend. It was hot. Very, very, hot. I arrived at my cottage at about 4:30pm, sat outside for an hour and had a pink face. The next day I put on SPF 30 (mind you, I was already burned from last week) and by the end of the day I was a lobster once again. Although this time since I was in a bathing suit it's a little less patchy. CLOTHING IS VERY PAINFUL RIGHT NOW.

So the weekend up at the cottage was great, I did a whole lot of nothing. Boat rides, laying around, eating, drinking. I read the Beggar's Opera. Which I was supposed to read about 7 months ago. Well, I had read most of it, but had never finished it, so I just read the whole thing over again from start to finish. It's funny. And in my head all the airs are Queen songs.

"Thus when a good Huswife sees a Rat

In her Trap in the Morning taken,
With Pleasure her Heart goes pit-a-pat,
In Revenge for her loss of Bacon.
Then she throws him
To the Dog or Cat
To be worried, crush'd and shaken."

(Sing that in your head to the tune of "Fat Bottomed Girls".)

Now, although I got a day off from my internship and school, I'm back to the daily grind of working at school. No one is here. I am alone. LOVELY.